tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-74903547012774873792024-02-19T17:42:35.985-08:00Finnegan Life...it's not always easy but it's oursI am a Momma to three boys ages 11 and under as well as to our sweet daughter, Brynna, who is watching from heaven. I am also a wife to my high school sweetheart, Steven who is, without a doubt, the love of my life. We are currently walking a road of grief as we process the loss of our daughter, but together we are managing one day at a time...skideep1212http://www.blogger.com/profile/07666850988992709613noreply@blogger.comBlogger134125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7490354701277487379.post-61991060605915754552013-10-30T16:04:00.001-07:002014-09-09T09:33:54.631-07:00Glimmer<div class="s2">
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">October 30, 2013 <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">To
carry a baby for 41 weeks and 3 days inside of you, and then lose her to a
tragic event like a ruptured uterus without ever getting to hear her cry, see
her open her eyes, or watch her smile, is enough to make a mother crazy. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">The
mother’s empty arms literally ache, and her heart stops caring enough to
beat. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">I
know because my arms have never felt heavier or more empty, and my heart is
still shattered into a million tiny pieces. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">I
know because I lost my daughter, Brynna Elizabeth on November 1<sup>st</sup>,
2011. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">After
a perfectly healthy pregnancy and an otherwise normal labor, things took a
sudden and tragic turn, and after 6 days in the NICU, our beautiful baby girl
left this earth to be with the angels. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">Prior
to all of this I considered myself a very spiritual person, by nature, but
surviving the death of our daughter has proven the largest test of faith, and
bump in the “spiritual road of life”, that I have ever experienced. Since she died, I really haven’t spent much
time being angry at the universe or at God, I’ve just been of the mindset that
no one in particular is looking out for us, and when push comes to shove,
shitty things just happen to really good people. Not because they necessarily did something to
deserve it, or because there is a particular lesson to be learned, but because
our existence is much more random than people care to admit, and very often,
life’s heartbreaks can’t be wrapped up in a bow made of sensibility and
explanation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">I
don’t care to hear that “God has a plan” or that “God doesn’t give us more than
we can handle”. I do not, and will not
ever, believe that there is a God that would make it His plan to give a mother
a perfectly healthy, full-term pregnancy with a beautiful baby girl, just to
rip her away in a brutal and cruel way.
I do not, and will not ever, believe that I was given this reality to
“show me the window that was opened when the door on my daughter’s life was closed”. And for the record, that whole “no more than
we can handle thing?” What’s the
alternative? A mother’s heart breaks and
her life seemingly stops, yet her body continues to function on autopilot, and
people continue to need her. Work
continues to need her. Life continues to
require her participation. So as much as
she wants so badly to lie down and die, she can’t because life won’t allow her
that luxury. It was not her time to go,
and this new life is her cross to bear. And let me tell you, in the trenches of
it all, it absolutely<i> is</i> more than
she can “handle”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">Hopelessness
is a real threat to a parent when their baby dies. Darkness consumes the mind and heart, and
there are days when standing upright proves an insurmountable goal. Oceans of tears are shed day in and day out,
and the heart struggles to understand what the mind knows is true- that the
baby is never coming back. That there
will not be any first steps, kindergarten graduations, elementary school art
projects, first dances, teenage angst and turmoil, sports games to attend,
first loves to witness, or weddings to plan…. There is nothing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">She
is gone. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">And
you are here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">And
that’s it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">It’s
really quite easy to lose hope in everything.
The natural order of things has been upset in the most excruciating way,
and as a result your trust in everything is shot. You hear things like “time heals” and “it
will all work out, you’ll see,” but you know better. You are acutely aware that A+B does not equal
C. Just because you have suffered, and
are suffering, does not exempt you from further heartbreak down the road. Having lost a baby (A) in a really tragic way
(B) does not mean your life will be peaceful and enlightened from here on out
(C). You meet people like you, walking
this dark road of grief. Some having
lost one baby, some having lost many, but all have shattered hearts. And you recognize that suffering is part of
the human existence. This knowledge
causes an internal struggle and dialogue… Is it safe to trust that good will
happen again? Is it safe to invest in
the belief that not all days will be as debilitating as the one in which you
currently stand? It’s hard to believe in
the idea of a balanced universe. It’s hard not to be jaded.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">All
the while, as I walk my road of sadness, however, I am aware of a glimmer. Most often it’s translucently subtle and, at
times, very hard to focus on. Almost as
if the harder I look directly at it, the more difficult it becomes to see. There are times I yearn so deeply to reach
it, to touch it, but it’s always just beyond the reach of my fingertips. Like a
rainbow, it’s always there but always ahead of me, calling me forward, urging
me to take another step. When I give in
and just walk, one foot in front of the other, one slow step at a time, I see
it clearer. I see it on the horizon of
my future. That glimmer is Hope. Hope in the future. Hope in all the tomorrows I am destined to
live through. Hope that my soul’s broken
wings will continue to heal over time, one day being strong enough to fly
again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">There
have been so many times since Brynna died that I have felt hopeless. I have been ready to give up and give in to
the sadness and despair. Often, I have
been to a point where I recognized that my sorrow was bigger than any
counselor, or book, or even family member could help me out of, and it has been
in those moments that Hope has spoken to me the most profoundly. Sometimes sneaking, sometimes thundering in,
it comes and shines its light on the darkest corners of my heart, showing me
there is more. More to this life. More <i>than</i>
this life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">Several
times, these moments of hope have been what I believe to be messages from
Brynn, telling me she is safe and at peace wherever she is. Red heart shaped balloons floating randomly
in the sky, rainbows caught out of the corner of my eye in an otherwise dark
and ominous sky, the “perfect” song coming on at just the right time, profound
fortunes tucked inside a cookie… the list goes on.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">Other
times, the moments seem to carry the feeling of a gentle hug that wraps
everything broken about me in an embrace so tender it feels supernatural. Merciful moments, often only lasting as long
as it takes to blink away my tears, offering a momentary respite from the heartache.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">Growing
up, my dad was Catholic and my mom was an atheist. I often found myself, even into my adulthood,
feeling caught between two ideologies, not because of any external expectation
or a belief system they pushed on me, but as a result of my own heart being on
its own quest to make sense of my existence.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">I’ve
always had a belief in a greater power, in Love, and in a loving God, and have
struggled within my heart to define it comfortably. I do not believe that a person needs to
practice lessons of love and acceptance within the confines of building every
Sunday in order to be an enlightened, and God loving person. As we all know, some of the most conflicted
and maladjusted people reside and worship inside those walls, and no true
enlightenment happens for them there. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">Occurrences
happen in life that we as humans spend endless amounts of time trying to
explain, justify, and make sense of, when in fact the very nature of each event
is very obviously unexplainable. I am
reaching a point in my life where instead of trying to rationalize it all away,
I instead take it on faith that these occurrences are messages sent
specifically for me, whether from Brynn or from God, to assist me in moving
through whichever moment I’m in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">In
the last couple of days, I experienced one such moment. Sitting at my desk at work and wondering what
purpose I serve at my job, I was reviewing a student’s file. I had one earphone in my ear, but no music
queued up on my phone, and I remember my mind momentarily drifting to the
thought of missing Brynna. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">This
week is particularly hard as her birthday was 4 days ago and tomorrow, while
everyone else will be laughing and celebrating Halloween, we will be
remembering the late night hours of making the decision to discontinue life
support, and holding our baby girl while she took her last breaths. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">I
remember having a thought like, “what do I do now? I’ve prayed, I’ve cried, I’ve fallen, I’ve
stood again, over and over…what do I do now?
Do I just keep crying out for clarity and guidance? Do I just keep breathing? Who can help me? Really…who can help me?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">All
of a sudden, without me touching any buttons, a song began playing in my
ear. I froze and looked at my phone
sitting on the counter, wondering how this happened, how the music could have
been turned on? I have over 5,000 songs
on my phone and this song, one that I don’t really remember hearing any time
before, was playing of its own accord.
Had I bumped something? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">In
an instant I was captivated by the words of the song, believing at first that
Brynna was talking to me again through music, but then I experienced a perfect
and calm understanding that in that moment, it was my job to just listen. Not reason.
Not deduce. Not explain
away. Just listen. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">When you try not to look
at me, scared that I’ll see you hurting.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">You’re not hiding
anything, and frankly it’s got me worried.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">Nobody knows you better
than I do. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">I keep my promises. I’m
fighting for you.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">You’re not alone, I’ll
listen ‘til your tears give out,<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">You’re safe and sound, I
swear that I won’t let you down.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">What’s hurting you, I feel
it too.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">I mean it when I say, <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">When you cry, I cry with
you.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">I’m not going any place,<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">I just hate to see you
like this.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">No, I can’t make it go
away,<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">Oh, but keeping it inside
won’t fix it.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">I can’t give you every
answer that you need, <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">But I wanna hear
everything you wanna tell me.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">You’re not alone, I’ll
listen ‘til your tears give out,<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">You’re safe and sound, I
swear I won’t let you down.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">What’s hurting you, I feel
it too.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">I mean it when I say, <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">When you cry, I cry with
you, oh<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">Yeah, I cry with you.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">You need love tough enough
to count on,<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">so here I am.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">You’re not alone, I’ll
listen ‘til your tears give out,<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">You’re safe and sound, I
swear I won’t let you down.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">What’s hurting you, I feel
it too.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">I mean it when I say, <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">When you cry, I cry with
you.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">I
felt safe. I felt heard. I felt wrapped up in an embrace so tender
that the faint glimmer of hope always present on my horizon, for a brief
moment, became brighter than I’ve seen it in nearly two years.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">Tomorrow
marks two years since we made the decision to allow Brynn to fly free of the
restrictions of her broken body and mind.
Making the choice to hold our baby without encumbering lines and tubes,
knowing it would be the first and last time we were given such a blessing, is
indescribable. It is the most profoundly
painful experience I have ever known.
Hearing her breathing slow, and watching her skin pale, I felt my heart
would most surely stop as hers did. And
yet, here we are… two years later.
Without our sweet girl, but somehow walking, often times limping,
forever forward toward the glimmer of hope that at least parts of our life will
be kind and fulfilling.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">I
am not naïve enough to believe (nor do I want to really) that from here on, my
life will be balanced and “healed”. I
know more certainly than I know anything else, that my heart will be broken and
incomplete until the day my arms are no longer void of my daughter. I know I will continue to walk through this
life marked. A mother without her child,
I am to a certain degree, an incomplete soul.
But what I also know is that my broken soul is being tended to by a Love
so great, words cannot define it. I
recognize the shelter I am being given which is allowing my grief to manifest
in the ways it needs for however long it needs.
In this world where suffering is universal, I am recognizing that Love
is as well. I am recognizing that I am
heard and cared for. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">And that is enough
for now.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment--><br /></div>
skideep1212http://www.blogger.com/profile/07666850988992709613noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7490354701277487379.post-70809579871730012242013-10-25T10:24:00.000-07:002013-10-25T10:51:32.165-07:00Differently<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Two years ago today was the last day our hearts were whole.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Two years ago today we still possessed a naivety many people
aren’t even aware they have the blessing of possessing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The naivety that the universe is fair, and
that there is “purpose and balance” in everything.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Two years ago today our family was truly, undeniably
happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We had our three amazing boys,
and were expecting our sweet baby girl any day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Two years ago today was the day before our lives stood
still.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Tomorrow will be Brynna’s 2<span style="font-size: small;"><sup>nd</sup> birthday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Tomorrow marks the anniversary of what should have been one
the happiest days of our life, and instead, in the blink of an eye, became the
scariest, most traumatic day in my time on this earth.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Two years ago today, Steven and I were advised to go to the
hospital for a scheduled induction as a result of Brynna being 10 days overdue,
and my amniotic fluid being low.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Many hours into the induction, and very early on the morning
on the 26<span style="font-size: small;"><sup>th</sup>, Brynna was delivered into this world via emergency
c-section after my uterus ruptured.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Before she was delivered, I experienced indescribable pain,
and I felt my daughter struggling for life inside of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt her moving, flailing, fighting for her
life as my body betrayed her, and she was denied her safety.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">There were no chimes playing in the hospital the minute she
was delivered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was not able to look
down and see her, nor reach out and be the first to hold her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Instead, I remained in a deep, induced sleep
while the surgeon worked to save my life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Steven watched from the hallway as his one and only
daughter, perfect in every way, was delivered limp and blue and seizing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He watched as his world fell apart before his
very eyes, and his soul struggled to make sense of it all.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">There were no smiles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There was no laughter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There were
no soft words spoken to a healthy, sleeping baby while family and friends
gathered in the room to celebrate.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Two years ago today was the last day I had my daughter safe,
inside me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Never in my life have I wished more for the opportunity to
go back and do things differently.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What
I would give to have her here…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Two years old tomorrow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Our sweet baby girl would be two years old tomorrow, if only things had
gone differently.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She would be the most
loved little girl, with three older, adoring brothers, and a mom and dad that
never dreamed they’d be blessed with a daughter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">If only things had gone differently.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsLv5W4K65AqG0ksri8VVDGf9akHzi3rvDiWyIW8yfVMFgBbrBqAQ2w3Sw1deBVLmMLenIr9OMpxltTBiHWPZObvqZxgbjuoJRtVeYF-uxW36DYHc0GPHuyY8omgNGOGMnZisoktnrikg/s1600/Brynn1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsLv5W4K65AqG0ksri8VVDGf9akHzi3rvDiWyIW8yfVMFgBbrBqAQ2w3Sw1deBVLmMLenIr9OMpxltTBiHWPZObvqZxgbjuoJRtVeYF-uxW36DYHc0GPHuyY8omgNGOGMnZisoktnrikg/s320/Brynn1.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
skideep1212http://www.blogger.com/profile/07666850988992709613noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7490354701277487379.post-79711251007669552252013-10-18T09:26:00.001-07:002013-10-18T09:26:38.253-07:00Back to School to Spend Time in the Present
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Dear Brynna,<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We are getting closer and closer to your birthday,
and it is still unbelievable to me that nearly two years have passed since you
were born!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Next weekend…wow…<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This weekend Grandma Betty Ann and I are going to
Pullman to visit WSU (the college we went to) and our sorority, Kappa Alpha
Theta.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our sorority house has been at
WSU for 100 years and this October they’re celebrating by having a Centennial
Weekend get together for any and all Thetas that want to come.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are expecting 400 or so women from
pledge classes as far back as the 1940’s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Grandma was in the 1971 pledge class, and I was in 1997.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Several gals from our classes (and the
classes directly before and after our own) will be there, and it will be
wonderful to catch up with them, and find out where life has taken them.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I lived in the sorority house beginning my freshman
year of college (1997) until before my junior year when I moved out to go to
WSU’s nursing school in Spokane.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I think if I had it to do over again, I would have
really invested more of my time and energy into being a member of the
house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t really know at the time
how brief my time was going to be there, and I was not much of a partier so I
didn’t really attend many of the “exchange” functions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Also, Daddy and I had been dating for 5 years
or so by then, so I was not in the market to meet any boys, which was another
reason I didn’t socialize as much with the gals in the house.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Don’t get me wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I had several close friends, including my Big Sis, Tina, in the house,
but now that I look back, I remember much of the time being there spent wishing
I was with Daddy at his house on the “Hilltop” in Pullman. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If you had lived, and I got to see you off to
school, this is something I think I would have tried to teach you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To live in the moment you’re in and soak up
all the areas of your life, because really, when you look back, they all go by
in just the blink of an eye.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Now that I write that I think maybe I should
continue to strive to do the same thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I spend so much of my time wishing I was with you (or that you were with
me), but perhaps in doing so, I miss where I am right now?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No matter how much I yearn to have things be
different, they aren’t going to be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You
are gone from this physical world, and Daddy, the boys and I are still here for
now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel myself continuing to move
toward a place of acceptance (what else is there really to do?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t fight what is, right?), but there are
many times still where I am sure I am missing what’s right here in front of me
because I am so focused on what isn’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
guess I just need to get better at balancing the two…<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I look so forward to telling my sorority sisters
about my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>About Daddy, and the
boys, and you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t wait to share
pictures of our wonderful family and let them know that although life has been
heartbreakingly hard in so many ways, we are still so very blessed.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I love you little girl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My heart aches that I won’t ever be able to
take you to college and watch you spread your wings and fly through this
life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know though, that you will be
with me when I go back this weekend, and you will help me to spread my broken
wings and heal just a little bit more.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Love, </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;"></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Momma<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
skideep1212http://www.blogger.com/profile/07666850988992709613noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7490354701277487379.post-33727651583974457562013-10-16T15:49:00.000-07:002013-10-16T15:51:09.777-07:00Our Story to Promote Awareness this October<br />
<h2>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">In honor of October being "Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month", The TEARS Foundation has launched, "The Movement" to break the silence and change the way our society views & responds to pregnancy & infant loss. Watch our family's story below, and sign up to become a part of changing your community at </span><a href="http://www.thetearsfoundation.org/" rel="nofollow nofollow" style="background-color: white; color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">www.thetearsfoundation.org</a></h2>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/eF_lBSwn43k" width="420"></iframe></div>
skideep1212http://www.blogger.com/profile/07666850988992709613noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7490354701277487379.post-4191848045173087972013-10-16T11:08:00.000-07:002013-10-16T11:08:11.722-07:00Split
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">How do you parent children here on Earth, as well as
children in heaven?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How do you divide
your time, attention, and heart in such a way that everyone gets what they need
and deserve?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">To parent a child in heaven means you have to tend to your
broken heart daily.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In tending to your
broken heart, you run the risk of living, at least temporarily, in the
darkness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When living in the darkness,
the lightness and life of your living children sometimes seem blindingly
impossible to bear.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">How does a person function as a whole being when they have
been reduced to pieces of their former self?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s so hard to try to put into words, the existence of a parent walking
this road of life without their child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It’s “unnatural”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
“unbearable”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s “the worst pain”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s “unimaginable”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">But then, when you have the blessing of remaining living
children, you have to, to a certain degree, bottle up that pain, that unbearable
existence, in order to continue to be able to give them, the ones that lived,
the love and attention and positive nurturing life they deserve.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Also, selfishly, for my own sake, I want to be able to give
in completely to those happy “my kids are alive and life is good moments,” and
not be ripped from them at some point each time, with the remembrance that one
of them is gone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I am broken and I am sad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But at the same time I am experiencing hope and happiness.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It is painful. It is complicated. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I want so badly to be a mom to all four of my children here
on <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">this planet</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t want to have to divide my time and
attention and heart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I don’t want to be broken.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I don’t want to be split.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I want to be whole.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">If I were whole, I would be a better mother to my sons <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">and</i> my daughter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wouldn’t have to, so often, drum up the
energy to just stand up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wouldn’t
necessarily have to concentrate so hard on the day to day requirements this
life places on me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It would be a nice break.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Because this life, the one I’m living right now, nearly two years out
from the day our world stood still, this life….it’s a lot of work. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I want nothing more in this life than to be remembered as a
good person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most importantly a good
mother, and a good wife.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know I am
doing the best I can under seemingly impossible circumstances, but man it wears
a gal out…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
skideep1212http://www.blogger.com/profile/07666850988992709613noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7490354701277487379.post-67095134460879799722013-10-16T10:26:00.000-07:002013-10-16T10:26:19.781-07:00Candles and Light
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Dear Brynna,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">In ten more days you will be two years old.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Already two years will have passed since that
heartbreaking day when our lives went from expectant, to heartbroken.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I recognize that Daddy and I have made a lot of “progress”
in our walk of grief, but we still have so very many moments that are just as
raw and painful as that first day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Last night I lit a candle for you, did you see it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss
Awareness Day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was also your original
due date.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How ironic is that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Across the nation, grieving parents started a
“wave of light” by lighting candles in memory of their angel baby beginning at
7 pm in their own time zone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I lit your
pink Glassybaby candle, and watched it burn until I fell asleep in hopes of
dreaming of you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Sometimes when I am lying in bed and trying to fall asleep,
I try to focus my mind and open my awareness to feeling what you feel wherever
it is that you are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On more than one
occasion, a light has come over me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
only lasts for a split second (I think because the moment I feel it, my brain
acknowledges it and snaps me right back into my own human reality), but it is
the most peaceful, loving, calm, light.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My heart calms greatly in knowing this is what you feel all the
time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I love you, Brynn.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So very, very much more than the distance between us right
now.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Love,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Momma</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8-OXBiiUid2704cgQNJ4XrE0ehlfQgb6BgGkxM2clz8zo68eHneDReneBAlr5A4ofk_QYhM-YRir7fq5DfQZsSMHNWHDuvAxQsUD1RoXN0mw9KH9ntDuV7tyhJl29dwN8DFpbwvLDpGA/s1600/photo+(4).JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8-OXBiiUid2704cgQNJ4XrE0ehlfQgb6BgGkxM2clz8zo68eHneDReneBAlr5A4ofk_QYhM-YRir7fq5DfQZsSMHNWHDuvAxQsUD1RoXN0mw9KH9ntDuV7tyhJl29dwN8DFpbwvLDpGA/s320/photo+(4).JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span> </div>
skideep1212http://www.blogger.com/profile/07666850988992709613noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7490354701277487379.post-9353231053959056532013-10-15T08:05:00.000-07:002013-10-16T15:40:41.167-07:00October 15thOctober 15th was Brynna's original due date. While she wasn't born until October 26th, ironically the 15th is also National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Please take a moment today and remember all of the sweet angel babies gone too soon. Please also say a prayer for all of us moms and dads that are all too aware that a day like this exists.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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skideep1212http://www.blogger.com/profile/07666850988992709613noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7490354701277487379.post-50005722851089368332013-10-04T13:30:00.000-07:002013-10-16T15:51:59.135-07:0022 days and counting....<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">October
4, 2013 1:30
p.m.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
don’t know how to explain my current state of mind…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
am trying. I am failing. I am confused. I have moments of
clarity. I am sinking. I am swimming. I am broken. I
continue to heal. I am sad. I have moments of happiness. The
loneliness is scary. I recognize the love and support of so many who
continue to bear witness. I am a mother to living children. I am a mother
to an angel. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Time
passes. Time stands still.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">In
22 days, on October 26<sup>th</sup>, Brynn will be 2 years old.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
am walking. I am paralyzed with disbelief.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">We
are going to surprise the boys with an overnight trip to Great Wolf Lodge from
the 25<sup>th</sup> to the 26<sup>th</sup>. We are going to spend her
birthday, as a family, playing in the water, and cruising down waterslides.
We will smile, we will laugh, and I am sure we will cry. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Birthdays
are supposed to be fun. Sometimes birthdays are heartbreaking.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
find myself going along, continuing to rise each morning, greeting each day
with some sense of willingness and participation. But then, I have also
become acutely aware, and more or less resigned to the fact, that the sadness
and longing is always there, just a whisper away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">It’s
something that I really think you have to be personally afflicted by, to truly
understand. To try to explain the dichotomy that exists in my heart to a
person who is blessed to have all living children, often results in making me
sound like a “depressed version of my former self.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">But
that’s not it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
am not depressed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
am sad. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
am a mother walking through this life without her child, waiting for the day
when I will see her again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">That
is not to say I will live my life in a state of perpetual sadness and despair.
I will just have a piece of my heart and soul living in a perpetual state
of longing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">And
I am not afraid of this version of me. I have no unrealistic expectation
of someday returning to the “Laura that once was”. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
am Colton’s mom.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
am Aidan’s mom.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
am Jackson’s mom.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
am Brynna’s mom.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Each
of our children are different, and they each require specific and individual
love and attention. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
am overwhelmed. I am learning.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
am seeing more and more each day that I am doing the best I can to be the best
mom possible to all four of my children. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">To
each of my three sons, and also to my daughter</span>.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment-->skideep1212http://www.blogger.com/profile/07666850988992709613noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7490354701277487379.post-5226569080690278782013-09-09T08:30:00.000-07:002013-10-05T16:19:05.535-07:00A Plea for Help
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">September
9, 2013 8:30
a.m<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">(**posted
on Facebook**)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
decided a while back that I was going to pull away from Facebook to a certain
degree. Although our road has continued
to wind around endlessly, and the bumps continue to trip us up when we least
expect it, we are continuing as a family to heal after Brynna’s death. I have discovered, over and over again, that
words are hard to find to sufficiently explain this process, and I didn’t want
to make people uncomfortable with the seemingly endless nature of our grief.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Today,
however, I come to you all with a different (but connected) purpose. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Just
about 4 months after Brynn died, I began doing some investigating into the
world of adoption. Truth be told, Steven
and I had discussed adoption as an option for building our family prior to my
pregnancy with Brynna, but then we got pregnant and it was a moot point for a
while. Then, after things went the way
they did, and we were left without any further biological options, I began
researching again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">What
we discovered about ourselves is that we are incredibly drawn to the idea of
growing our family through the adoption of a newborn baby girl or a young
sibling group. We researched domestic
vs. international adoption, and given that we desire a very young child, we
found that an adoption inside the U.S. would be most promising for us.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">We
attended webinars, and seminars. We read
books and spoke with other adoptive families.
We did our due diligence, for sure.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">We
were pre-approved over a year ago, through an adoption center out of CA and all
that needed to be done to start the process would be to send them a $17,000
check upfront, which would grant us a 2 year contract for their services in
helping to match us with a birth mother.
We also needed to pay for a social worker to complete our home
study. Once matched, we would have to
cover travel expenses to wherever the birth mom lived, as well as lawyer fees
to cover the legal side of adoption.
When it was all said and done, we were looking to spend between $25,000
and $35,000.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">In
December, however (as many of you know), we made an offer on a house on nearly
5 acres of property. The house was
listed as a short sale and we knew that it may “take a while” for the sellers’
banks to reach an agreement on the deal, so we put adoption on hold figuring
there was no point in paying a social worker to have our home study done, if we
would just be moving before it was final.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Then,
last June, an opportunity dropped, seemingly, out of the sky and we were told
about a young girl who lived in WA state, and was in a situation of not really
knowing how she would proceed with her pregnancy. She heard our story and was very interested in
speaking with us about adopting the baby girl she was due to give birth to, in
mid-September.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Although
the house situation had still not figured itself out, we knew that to be able
to legally adopt any baby, let alone this young birth mom’s child, we would
need a completed home study. We set in
motion to find a social worker, requested some of our closest friends and
family complete letters of recommendation, paid for FBI fingerprinting and
background checks, completed a relatively lengthy autobiography about how/why
we found ourselves on the adoption road, and had multiple home visits all to
complete our home study. We reasoned
that if the house worked out, and we ended up moving, we would just pay to
append the document.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">For
three months we have tried to remain cautiously optimistic about the idea that
we might be bringing a baby home mid to late September. We texted, spoke on the phone, and even met
the teenage birth mom, and her mother, in person. All signs were pointing to this being a “drop
in our laps, much more affordable, miraculous, this kind of thing only happens
in the movies,” adoption. We chose not
to tell many people or post about any of it, in attempt to respect her privacy,
and her process.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Simultaneously,
several weeks back, we had finally received word (9 months after making the
initial offer) that the seller’s banks were in agreement on a deal for the
house, and it was going to be ours. We
were ecstatic! After calling the agent
and our mortgage lender to inquire how likely this was to actually go through,
we were given the go-ahead to tell the boys we’d be moving. We took the boys to the property and captured
on video, the excitement in their faces when we told them the house was ours. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">It
was a perfect moment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Then,
two days later the real estate agent called to say the banks were in
disagreement again, and it “didn’t look good”.
As it stands now, the banks have decided they will not come to a
resolution and have refused settlement of the short sale. The house is going into foreclosure and will
go up for auction (most likely “cash only”) this coming Friday. When we got the word, we were devastated.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">But
we thought, “Well at least we’re still moving in the direction of bringing a
baby home, and that is something wonderful to look forward to.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Yesterday,
however, we received a text from our birth mom stating she has decided against
adoption, and is choosing to parent her baby.
While we understand what a hard choice this is for this young mother,
and we in no way fault her for choosing to parent, our hearts still broke.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Yesterday,
we were numb. Then, we were sad. Then, we were confused. Then, we were feeling defeated and hopeless.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Then,
we slept.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Now,
we are coming to you all. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Facebook
is a powerful and wide-reaching social media tool, and Steven and I know there
is a birth mother out there that is meant to be connected with our family. We are in love with the idea of an open
adoption, and we know the more people there are to love a child, the better.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">We
know our hearts are still led to adoption, and we are asking for your help.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">To
all of our friends and family, please keep us in your hearts and prayers and
thoughts. Please send hope our way that
one day, our family will grow again through the amazing thing called adoption. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">And
PLEASE, PLEASE keep your eyes peeled and ears open for any birth mother that
may be looking for a family for her sweet baby girl. Ask your pastors, priests, neighbors,
relatives, friends, and teenagers if they know of anyone who is struggling to
find a forever home for their child(ren).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">We
are happy to talk about our journey and will answer any questions anybody may
have. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
know this is a long entry about a very serious topic, but I’ve heard of it
working for other people, and at this point I know we have absolutely nothing
to lose. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Thank
you. All of you. We love you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->skideep1212http://www.blogger.com/profile/07666850988992709613noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7490354701277487379.post-76998303145027870702013-08-15T12:10:00.002-07:002013-08-20T10:01:48.933-07:00Just a Minute
<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">August
15, 2013 11:33
a.m<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">Dear
Brynna,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">I
feel like I’m losing you. Like the
further that time marches, the more distance there is between my heart and your
memory. And that breaks me all over
again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">There
is a very distinct part of me that misses the all-encompassing grief. That was the time I was consumed by you. Now, as moments, hours, days, and months pass
by, life demands my participation. It’s
twisted, right? Longing for the dark hours, alone, crying, curled up in the
fetal position in my bed… <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">But
it was in those darkest, saddest moments, that I got to focus just on you. Focus just on missing you, needing you,
loving you. Life wasn’t demanding my
participation in those moments. I wasn’t
expected at work. There were people here
to care for your brothers, and tend to the house. Daddy was right by my side, and we were
holding each other, rocking each other in our tiny boat in our vast ocean of grief,
as we held tight to your precious memory.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">And
now, as always, the world continues to spin madly on. And I am finding myself swept up in its
torrential wind. There are so many times
I feel out of breath because I don’t think I can keep up with all of it when my
heart is broken this way. There is so
much that just doesn’t matter like it used to.
The only thing that matters to me now is being the best mom I can be to
you and your brothers, and a loving life partner to your Daddy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">But,
I have to go to work, and I have to go through the motions about so many things
that, in the end, won’t really matter. Not
in the way that love and relationships do anyway…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">I
listen to the song, “Beam Me Up,” by Pink a lot.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">“There’s a
whole ‘nother conversation going on<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">In a
parallel universe.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">Where
nothing breaks and nothing hurts.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">There’s a
waltz playing frozen in time<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">Blades of
grass on tiny bare feet<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">I look at
you and you’re lookin’ at me.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">Could you
beam me up,<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">Give me a
minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">I’d probably
just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">Beam me up,<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">Let me be
lighter, I’m tired of being a fighter, <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">I think a
minute’s enough,<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">Just beam me
up.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">I
need another minute. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">I
need another minute to focus on just you, my sweet, sweet girl. I am so, so tired of “being a fighter” and
carrying on in this crazy life. It’s so
hard being a parent to children both here on earth, and also where you
are. It’s too long to be without
you. I can’t go the rest of my life
without seeing you, without knowing you, without holding you. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">It’s
too long and it’s too hard to know I have to face all my tomorrows without you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">I
need to see you. Your face. Your sweet fingers and toes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">I
just miss you so much and I want so badly for you to be here with us. With Daddy and me and the boys. Our Finnegan Family of 6, here on earth
together.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">I
know I can’t have you back in the way that I want, but please stay with me in
the ways that you can. Keep talking to
me, keep showing me signs and pointing out to me that we are connected, even if
there are so many times I seem to forget.
I am a work in progress, Brynna.
I am doing my best to make sense of what seems to be a very non-sensical
thing; our losing you. Please be patient
with me and continue to hold my hand as I trudge down this road, with a Brynna
shaped hole in my heart.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">I
love you so very much more than the distance between us right now. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">Stay
with me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">Love,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11pt;">Momma <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment--><br />skideep1212http://www.blogger.com/profile/07666850988992709613noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7490354701277487379.post-85267641916285703572013-07-11T13:40:00.001-07:002013-07-11T13:40:28.225-07:004th of July Festivities, and All the While Missing You...<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">July 11, 2013<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span> 11:40 a.m</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dear Brynna,</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am finding that life is getting busy again. Or maybe it’s just that I’m getting to a point where I can better handle how busy it’s been all along, picking my head up slightly from the fog we’ve been in.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Jackson just turned six! We were up at Uncle Trent and Auntie Andrea’s house for the weekend of the 4<sup>th</sup> of July, and we ended up having his “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle” party with them on Saturday. Grandma and Grandpa were there too. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Jackson had requested homemade macaroni and cheese for dinner and it was delicious! To me, it always feels like a perfect birthday celebration having good food and being surrounded by those we love.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I made cupcakes to go with the theme and I thought they turned out pretty cute:</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1sG5PnPSMNdMGQDNdkyq0kesxxzo2ayvaJtzJldXMxm_jzKwAWlmLNoVatUhSk-Vw4EHU7ykoQ7CkVnJ1HWrJ0YxgMzcEyXUkhcxWruxbYWI7YDw0I3myoNj1kq3NtGoWd1DxqaFrfvk/s1600/IMG_2715.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1sG5PnPSMNdMGQDNdkyq0kesxxzo2ayvaJtzJldXMxm_jzKwAWlmLNoVatUhSk-Vw4EHU7ykoQ7CkVnJ1HWrJ0YxgMzcEyXUkhcxWruxbYWI7YDw0I3myoNj1kq3NtGoWd1DxqaFrfvk/s320/IMG_2715.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The boys had a great time playing with their cousins and running around with Ninja Turtle gear, fighting “bad guys”:</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqxQrBMX253xSB2UQYaoVo3dw1DedRgqUsKC89MHJTBmg_FsL798_iZo8hJybFQQAtlfBhzddMbPDmMIitBoC1S3JmmKl4ktvYjee3sUAKZs44Qn1b1SlT-Sgp05-LksiM4WJjpDmtz_Q/s1600/IMG_2678.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqxQrBMX253xSB2UQYaoVo3dw1DedRgqUsKC89MHJTBmg_FsL798_iZo8hJybFQQAtlfBhzddMbPDmMIitBoC1S3JmmKl4ktvYjee3sUAKZs44Qn1b1SlT-Sgp05-LksiM4WJjpDmtz_Q/s320/IMG_2678.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That’s a lot of really tough guys, huh?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A couple days before the birthday party was the 4<sup>th</sup> of July, which we all spent at John and Nancy Hinton’s house. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We started the morning by going to the 4<sup>th</sup> of July parade in LaConner. This was the third time we’ve gone, and it’s the perfect parade because it’s short and they throw TONS of candy at all the kids. This year, we got to enjoy the parade with Joe and Gina Hinton and their daughter, Hailey (their baby, Harper, was back at her grandma’s taking a nap) and also Jane and Teriann and their daughter, June. It was especially poignant for me because Joe and Jane are two of the people I grew up going to 4<sup>th</sup> of July parades with, and it felt really cool to all be there together with our own children as well.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The rest of the day was filled with wonderful food, including freshly caught crab, beautiful weather, lawn games, fireworks, and some of our most treasured friends and family.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here’s a picture of me as a little girl on the 4</span><sup style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">th</sup><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">, in Sedro Woolley at the Hinton’s house.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It’s Jane, Uncle Trent, Me, Andrew, Joe, and Uncle Conner.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Check out those boots, huh?</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Pretty patriotic, right?</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGJ-ouIMxeR6FK3zyiAYfDL-RLC45MGg5AFqQc7eZisDcnwtN15LKqgSljVRJZfA7p_3fMhFsbB5SXYpeaejMzy8ObCaSCeTLgdycEFrpIkT0qneMNToD9aemUYfzx8rFFBRN7GAedmBA/s1600/IMG_1607.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="301" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGJ-ouIMxeR6FK3zyiAYfDL-RLC45MGg5AFqQc7eZisDcnwtN15LKqgSljVRJZfA7p_3fMhFsbB5SXYpeaejMzy8ObCaSCeTLgdycEFrpIkT0qneMNToD9aemUYfzx8rFFBRN7GAedmBA/s320/IMG_1607.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And this is what our kids looked like this year, so many years later:</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2hK6UHXoihKDr3AthDGzZOXv2Bg7jeB5ZfiWDtWYzc0s50nboTtT5q1uwOSrOY7Fb0QDhqhjmbbCyl0oeFi69LT8ZN6c35-pqGH57-ExWF31ujANVIxjqfX90EaJswgWi5WMUmNbCIXA/s1600/IMG_2557.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="226" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2hK6UHXoihKDr3AthDGzZOXv2Bg7jeB5ZfiWDtWYzc0s50nboTtT5q1uwOSrOY7Fb0QDhqhjmbbCyl0oeFi69LT8ZN6c35-pqGH57-ExWF31ujANVIxjqfX90EaJswgWi5WMUmNbCIXA/s400/IMG_2557.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Of course you know how much my heart breaks that you are not in this picture with them…</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And in this one with your brothers and cousins…</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I can’t stand the fact that you are not here with us for all of this. It’s so strange being a parent to the boys here on earth and also to you, in heaven. My arms still ache to cuddle you and hug you. What I would have given to dress you up in a red, white and blue dress and watched you toddle around with spunky little piggy tails tied with patriotic ribbon…</span><br />
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skideep1212http://www.blogger.com/profile/07666850988992709613noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7490354701277487379.post-19289195730698779112013-07-11T13:22:00.000-07:002013-07-11T13:22:04.054-07:00We Walked
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">July
11, 2013 11:00
a.m<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Well,
we walked. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Nearly a month ago, already...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Not sure where the time has gone...</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">On
June 15<sup>th</sup>, we were joined by friends and family as we walked in
honor of our sweet, sweet girl. All
together, Team Brynna raised $6435 which made us the 3<sup>rd</sup> top
fundraising team. Steven and I raised
$5850 of that total and were very proud to be the number 1 top single
fundraising individual.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">It
was an incredibly emotional day, and it felt extremely supportive to have so
many loved ones walking with us. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Thank
you to everyone who donated. Your
generosity will go a long way in ensuring that people just like us get the love
and support they need as they begin their “Day 1” after the death of their
babies.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">And
thank you to all of you that walked. We
know it is a hard day to get through, and the fact that you all showed up (some
of you traveling long distances to do so) means the absolute world to Steven,
the boys and myself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--EndFragment-->skideep1212http://www.blogger.com/profile/07666850988992709613noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7490354701277487379.post-87745850885299081902013-06-14T13:22:00.000-07:002013-07-11T13:24:09.843-07:00Tomorrow We Walk
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<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Tomorrow
we walk.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Well,
every day we walk, one foot in front of the other on this broken, bumpy road
they call grief.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">But
tomorrow, we walk with a specific purpose.
Tomorrow we walk for one reason only.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Tomorrow
we walk for Brynn.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Tomorrow
is not about busy schedules and work requirements. Tomorrow is not about homework needing to be
done or reports needing to be signed.
Tomorrow is not about yard work or cleaning house. It’s not about settling family drama, or
mending broken relationships. Tomorrow
is not one more thing that needs to be checked off the “to-do” list before we
tackle everything else that “needs doing.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Tomorrow
is about Brynna.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">One
day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">She
only gets one day a year. One day a year
when we can focus on the time she was with us in this mixed up, physical world.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">All
the other days, all the looming tomorrows, are given to the “everything and
everyone else” in this world. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Tomorrow
is her day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">Please join us in honoring
our sweet girl. It’s all we’ve got. It’s all we ask.</span><!--EndFragment-->skideep1212http://www.blogger.com/profile/07666850988992709613noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7490354701277487379.post-31280851029818150092013-06-05T11:45:00.001-07:002013-06-05T11:47:08.345-07:00Just not sure.<span style="font-family: Calibri;">June 5, 2013<span style="mso-tab-count: 10;"> </span>11:00
a.m.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Dear Brynna,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I am so sad you are not here with us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know you are doing wonderful things that
are much bigger than I can comprehend right now, but as your mom, I really,
really miss you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I wish I understood more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I wish I had a way of really <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">knowing</i>
that this is going to be okay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel
silly even writing that because “okay” seems such a small word.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How could it ever be “okay” to be a parent
without a child?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just wish I were more
“zen” and could take more solace in the fact that you are busy working in this
universe in a capacity my human mind can’t truly reconcile.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I miss you, Brynn. I really, really would have loved the
opportunity to get to know you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You were
a whole person, with a very potentially wonderful, full life, ahead of you, and
I would have loved to watch you grow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
can’t help but feel confused and brokenhearted that a life as precious as
yours, ended before it even got started.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I love you.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Do you get my notes?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Do you feel my heart?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you know
how much your momma loves you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
sometimes worry that because you are where you are, not limited by a human body
or mind, you may not “remember” me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
worry that you may not “know” me in the way I know you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t want you to be sad in the way I am
sad, and I would never wish for you the longing I feel in my heart, but I’m
just afraid that you might not know how much I continue to love you.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I am frustrated because I don’t have the right words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel limited by language.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The way I feel and the way I long for you
cannot be summed up on paper, and that is maddening when so much of how I heal
is through writing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It’s just a feeling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>A whole bodied, whole hearted, all-encompassing feeling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I miss you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just really,
really miss you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Love,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Momma<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
skideep1212http://www.blogger.com/profile/07666850988992709613noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7490354701277487379.post-32096138938317091232013-05-03T10:48:00.002-07:002013-05-03T10:48:47.397-07:00Here's the Thing about Change
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Here’s the thing.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Everything we experience in this life changes us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No matter what it is, good or bad, short term
or long term, life changes us.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">We are different with each year that goes by.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We learn, we love, we laugh, we lose, we
break…and as a result we change.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I would challenge any person out there to tell me they are
the same person now as they were before they had their first love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whether the relationship lasted and became
something deeper, or whether it ended, each person going their separate way, it’s
not possible to stay the “same.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I would challenge any parent out there to tell me they are
the same person today as they were the day before each of their children were
born.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not possible to stay the “same”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not possible to “not change”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Why then, are there people out there that feel it strange
that “Steven and I are changed now?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why
does it confuse others that, “we are not the people we used to be?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That we’re “not back to normal?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">None of us are. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">None of us are the “same people we used to be.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Life- “an account of the series of events making up a person’s
life.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">By definition, this thing called life is all about
change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s all about the “series of
events” that happen to us, and how we react to them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Although Steven, the boys and I are 18 months out from the
day our world stood still, we are still reeling with the effects of change that
Brynna’s death has had on our lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Every day, every experience, every single thing is different now than it
would have been, had she lived.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So,
everything about us, and how we perceive life, how we react to others’ joys and
heartaches, how we are able to participate in the world around us…is changed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">In the beginning, so many people tried to console us with, “this
is your new normal.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Things will never
be as they used to be, you won’t get over it, you’ll just get through it.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And yet, here we are a year and a half out,
and some of the same people that seemed acutely aware of this irreversible
change, now seem frustrated or confused by the fact that “it’s not over yet.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Parents…please take a moment and think about each and every
one of your children, one at a time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Think about the day they were born, and the joy you
felt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Think about how you fed them, held
them, smelled them, watched them grow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Think
about their smile, their laugh, their cry…their voice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Think about their handprints on the walls and
windows, think about the piles of their clothes in the laundry room, and on the
couch waiting to be folded.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Think about
sitting together for meals, watching them smile as they talk about their
day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Think about the pride you feel when
you watch them do whatever it is that makes them happy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Now…imagine all of that is gone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>None of it ever happened (or if it did, it is
cut short and will no more).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It all
should have happened, but it didn’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Take
it a step further now and imagine you held your child in your arms and watched
them as they took their last breaths.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You watched as their color went from pink to purple, and you watched
life slip out of their precious body, and felt their skin cool.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Instead of years, you had only moments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Only moments to try to let your precious
child know they are loved and cherished.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>All the hopes, dreams…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All the
love and support…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All the time and
energy you were ready to invest in this, your greatest life’s work…none of it
gets to happen because they are gone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Does having other children make this any easier, one’s
presence replacing the loss of the other? Does time passing make it any easier
to accept the fact that your child is not with you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are you the same?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Will you ever be the same again?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Would you even want to be?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you were “the same” it would mean you hadn’t
experienced this child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Would you do
that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Or would you do your best to embrace this change, knowing
you are the way you are now, because your precious child touched your heart?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">So often, we as humans, are resistant to change, believing
for some reason that “what has been” is better and safer to bet on than “what
might be”. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The irony is that we don’t
have any control over any of it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Life
will continue to do its crazy thing and change us with each passing day, molding
us into versions of ourselves we never saw coming.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That doesn’t mean it’s bad, it’s just
different. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I will be without my daughter for the rest of the time I am
on this earth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am going to be
different as a result.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Steven is going
to be different as a result.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I find
myself getting less and less worked up about the things in life that “have to
happen” recognizing that most of it doesn’t really matter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Instead, I find myself drawn more toward
relationships and loving those around me that are comfortable continuing to
bear witness to this pain.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Day after day, I do my best to accept this change, these
differences, within myself, recognizing I am changed because the love I have
for my daughter is more powerful than the fantasy of remaining the “before
Brynna died” version of myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To have
known her, held her, loved her, smelled her, means I am changed, and I am okay
with that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Please be patient and kind to those around you that are
currently being molded by life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Change
is scary to watch, but it is also very scary to be thrown into, and having the
support and understanding of those around us makes what can seem impossible to
handle, possible.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
skideep1212http://www.blogger.com/profile/07666850988992709613noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7490354701277487379.post-85603220353281720652013-04-22T14:52:00.002-07:002013-04-23T09:36:39.555-07:00Butterfly<b>B</b>ecause you are gone, our hearts are broken, our lives<br />
<b>U</b>ndone.<br />
<b>T</b>o go on without you is agonizing.<br />
<b>T</b>o get up each day knowing I will not see you, is heart
wrenching.<br />
<b>E</b>ndless loss, shattered dreams of what might have been<br />
<b>R</b>icochet around in my mind<br />
<b>F</b>rom morning til night, and then til morning again.<br />
<b>L</b>ife is different now without<br />
<b>Y</b>ou, my little butterfly.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
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skideep1212http://www.blogger.com/profile/07666850988992709613noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7490354701277487379.post-22259916813919364962013-04-17T08:21:00.000-07:002013-04-19T08:42:25.999-07:00Happy Birthday Aidan!8 years ago today, Aidan Scott Finnegan came into our life 11 days late, but "right on time". 9 lbs. 6 oz., and 21 inches long. We completely fell in love then, and I'm not exaggerating when I say we continue to fall deeper with each passing day. Steven and I have been shown that life is uncertain and that there are very few guarantees, but I absolutely guarantee you my heart is bigger and more full of love for having this boy in my life, and for this I am certain. Happy Birthday to our amazingly tender hearted, smart, oh so funny, and incredibly artistic second born son. We love you more than you will ever know.<br />
<br />
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skideep1212http://www.blogger.com/profile/07666850988992709613noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7490354701277487379.post-36191798664094738802013-04-11T14:32:00.000-07:002013-04-11T14:32:12.058-07:00"Rock-a-bye, Bears"<span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">I walked into Brynn's room this afternoon to put something away, and I found something very sweet....</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">About a week ago, we received our "Molly Bear" in the mail. It's a bear that was made especially in memory of Brynna and it weighs exactly what she did at birth, 7 lbs 11 oz. </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">Years ago, a mother had lost her baby girl, Molly, and because her arms ached with such emptiness, she ended up sewing</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; display: inline; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;"> a bear that she could hold onto and have a physical reminder of what it felt like to hold her daughter.<br /><br />After realizing the help it provided her, she began doing the same for other moms and dads, creating bears to each family's angel baby specifications. There is now quite a waiting list, and she operates on donations alone. If you know of someone who may benefit from something such as this, or if you would like to donate yourself, just web search "Molly Bears."<br /><br />Anyway, our Brynna Bear came a week or so ago and the day it came, I carried it around a good portion of the night. Steven held her for a while too, and then I went and placed her on the rocking chair in Brynn's room.<br /><br />Today, as I went into her room, I noticed that Jackson, at some point, had also gone in and he put his bear, "Blue Bear", right beside his sister's bear on the chair. There they were, sibling bears, arms around each other just rocking the day away. It was an amazingly sweet sight.<br /><br />Of course I took a picture.</span><br />
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; display: inline; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;"><br /></span>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3IgkwkoYeRzEgcttJvKnRK1E5b9w0uAfQqwhWgo5Cb7SPzYdmD81YASqRsAIGfrGk_Vy9ERRUqGClr2MRKdUNuy1O2RgvHs3gOgNi6RRKlITW0-Ps3m1eZKPjsAkC9jRdgAKSf0tbZHQ/s1600/IMG_1305.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3IgkwkoYeRzEgcttJvKnRK1E5b9w0uAfQqwhWgo5Cb7SPzYdmD81YASqRsAIGfrGk_Vy9ERRUqGClr2MRKdUNuy1O2RgvHs3gOgNi6RRKlITW0-Ps3m1eZKPjsAkC9jRdgAKSf0tbZHQ/s320/IMG_1305.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; display: inline; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;"><br /><br />And then I went and got "Tink," Cole's bear and "19," Aidan's bear, and I sat them all together.<br /><br />All my kids' bears all sitting together, leaning on one another, arms entwined.<br /><br />Of course I cried.<br /><br />And then of course, I took another picture. :o)</span><br />
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; display: inline; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;"><br /></span>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP5xTlnYIbZozDINQmAQepvfeeImKhUa9YOhVqYtROk1UvqTvz7nnhQibwDtZ2zSAbmnb0RQezV1pcu_7_Cv7DR1eNGE5s4krhMbuxMjMUl-4qoglyIQi5iO41BLWY4HJ5T90DiIdwZeQ/s1600/IMG_1309.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP5xTlnYIbZozDINQmAQepvfeeImKhUa9YOhVqYtROk1UvqTvz7nnhQibwDtZ2zSAbmnb0RQezV1pcu_7_Cv7DR1eNGE5s4krhMbuxMjMUl-4qoglyIQi5iO41BLWY4HJ5T90DiIdwZeQ/s320/IMG_1309.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; display: inline; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;"><br /></span>skideep1212http://www.blogger.com/profile/07666850988992709613noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7490354701277487379.post-67451911251192309032013-03-26T09:42:00.002-07:002013-03-26T09:42:53.728-07:0017 months old.<div style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">March 26, 2013<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Dear Brynna,<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">17 months ago today, you were born.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t believe it!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t believe that what should have been
one of the happiest days of our life, turned out to be the starting line in our
journey through this life without you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>How has one year and five months passed since that day?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I sure would love to turn back time.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I sure would love a second chance at that day.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">What I would give to try again…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">To insist they find a way to bring you into this world without
using Cytotec or Pitocin. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How different
our lives would likely be if I had only known.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If I had only <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">really</i> known
what the possibilities were… What the outcome could be…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’m still so very sorry, Brynn.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am so sorry that I couldn’t protect
you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is something I will wrestle
with for the rest of my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The fact
that I am your mother and I could not save you simply undoes me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’m limping my way through this life without you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some days I seem to walk as I used to, but
then I trip over a memory of what might have been, and I fall.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some days I get back up pretty quickly,
dusting off the sorrow, but other days I stay down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I just stay down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Because some days, it’s still too heavy to stand.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">We would have had a lot of fun, you and I.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you know that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You and me, the only girls in a house full of
boys.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>:o)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We would be amazing for each other because we
would be able to enjoy Daddy and your brothers, and take part in all of their
amazing, active chaos, but then we could have slipped off for a quiet day
getting pedicures, or going out to lunch and talking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could have taught you how to ride a horse,
how to French braid your hair, how to cook dinners that bring people running
from the hills to eat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t get me
wrong, I would have taught you to ski, wakeboard, play tennis and baseball, and
all the other things you showed interest in, just as we do for the boys, but it
would have been just a little bit different because you and I would have had “that
something special” in common in the same way the boys and Daddy do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">There’s just something special about a mother’s relationship
with her daughter.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Can I confess something to you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am terrified that as the boys grow, they
will find their life partners and, in a sense, forget their relationship with
me, their momma.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So many people say, “A son is a son ‘til he takes a wife, a
daughter is a daughter the rest of her life.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Does this mean I will be alone?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
know your brothers will love me forever, but will they be the ones to call just
to “check in” and say “hi mom, how are you doing? Do you need anything?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Silly to worry about, huh?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But this is my life now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sad about my 17 month old little girl that is
not here to grow into my 37 year old little girl…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I miss you Brynna.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
love you so much, and I am incomplete without you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s just the way it is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The way it’s going to be.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Please don’t worry that I still feel sad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t worry that I won’t be okay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because I will.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will feel sad, to a very certain degree,
for the rest of my life on this earth, but at the same time, I will be “okay”. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I will.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I recognize that the boys and Daddy need me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I recognize that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I</i> need me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, I will be “okay”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will keep trying to get up in the morning,
vowing to face the day with some semblance of the woman I “used to be”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The happy, more or less, “glass half-full”
woman I used to be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will keep trying.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">My goodness, my sweet girl, how incredibly deep my love is
for you!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So deep that even death can’t
extinguish it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not even a little bit.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I love you so very much greater than the distance between us
right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Happy 17 month birthday, Beautiful!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Love, </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Momma<o:p></o:p></span></div>
skideep1212http://www.blogger.com/profile/07666850988992709613noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7490354701277487379.post-61808720874304549672013-03-22T11:31:00.002-07:002013-03-22T11:31:56.631-07:00Lead me.
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Dear Brynna,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It’s been a long time since I sat down to write. I am
not sure exactly why, but it certainly does not mean it’s been a long time
since you were on my mind or in my heart. Not at all. You are in my
heart and on my mind all moments of my life. I don’t know how it is has
been almost seventeen months since you were born, but here we are. You are
almost a year and a half old!! Oh my goodness, where has the time
gone? And also, how have we possibly made it through 17 long months
without you, our sweet girl?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I so wish I were sitting down to write a letter that would
go in your baby book. A letter that you could read when you got
older. A letter that would give you a picture of the little girl you once
were. A letter about a little girl, running, jumping, learning,
loving. A letter about a little girl living.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">But instead, I sit down and write to you, my angel. A
letter for my angel, my little girl in heaven.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Oh, how I wish it were different!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Daddy and I are making our way through this life. One
way or another, we are going to do this. Together. We are so
committed to each other and to making this life the best possible life for your
brothers. The “how” of it, we aren’t always too terribly sure of, but we
just keep on. I love him so much. He is a man like no other.
I am in awe of his willingness to examine himself (even when he doesn’t realize
he’s doing it) and his constant re-commitment to continuing to be a better
person. He works so hard at being a great Daddy and a wonderful
husband. He makes me laugh, and for that I am thankful!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Cole is getting so big! He is 9 ½ now and at times it
feels I will blink, and he will be 18. He wears glasses and that makes
him look even more grown up and mature. He is such a wonderful kid.
He is smart, witty, tenderhearted, and oh so very kind. At school, he is
always looking out for the kids that don’t really seem to have anyone looking
out for them, and that makes me so proud. He would have cherished you in
a way only an oldest brother can. He misses you and loves you so very,
very much. He is playing on two baseball teams right now (Puyallup Little
League AAA ball, and also a select team called the Black Sox), and improves
with every practice. It’s so cool to watch he and his team play, and it
excites me to see how he continues to grow.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Aidan is going to be 8 next month. He is also playing
Puyallup Little League baseball, and he seems to enjoy it very much. He
also continues to be devoted to all things artsy and creative. It is
wonderful to sit back and bear witness to what he creates. The other day
there was some old fabric lying around and I was about to throw it away, but
then I decided to offer it to Aidan in case he wanted to use it to sew a
project. He was thrilled, and in the matter of about a half hour, had
created a little, stuffed blue bear. It is darling. He recently had
to do a project for school about a favorite meal. He was given a blank,
white paper plate and instructed to recreate with whatever supplies he wanted,
a representation of the food. Then he had to write about why he chose
that meal. He chose to present our “healthy chicken nugget” meal, and his
project was picked to be on display at the Puyallup Spring Fair this
year. He gets to go and talk to people about why he created what he did
and tell them about his artwork. It’s so exciting!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">And “little” Jack is not so little anymore. He is over
5 ½ now and he will be starting kindergarten next year. I just turned in
his registration packet, and it was bittersweet to say the least. I’m so
excited for him to start school, and watch him while he learns and grows, but
so sad that it is going so fast. This spring is Jackson’s first year
playing t-ball and Daddy is his coach. He loves, loves, loves putting on
his baseball clothes and getting ready for practice. Daddy says he really
does a good job paying attention and is great at throwing and hitting. He
will forever be the one that really keeps us on our toes. He is a “going
concern” for sure, but man does he make us smile and laugh. He is so
smart and funny!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I am hanging in there. I went to a doctor that changed
up my hormone replacement a bit, and I think I am feeling a “bit more myself,”
whatever that means. I know I am permanently changed, and I do not expect
(nor want) to be the person I was before you were born, but I think
physiologically I’m a bit more on an even keel, which makes handling the
emotional changes just a bit more doable. I am still working two jobs,
one at Woodcreek and one at the Franklin Pierce School District, and it’s
definitely a lot. Daddy and I continue to have a conversation about this,
and in time I think I will cut back to one job, but we’ll see. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">We are still waiting to hear about whether or not we will
get the house we made the offer on. It’s a “short sale” which is a
complicated way of saying the whole process can take a very long time, but we
are being patient. It’s an amazing setting! The more I think about
it, the more I hope it works out, because I really feel it would be a wonderful
place for us to continue to heal, and for your brothers to grow up. It’s
got nearly 5 acres of flat, fenced land, which means I will be able to realize
my dream of having horses again. Remember when you were in the hospital
and I told you about riding horses and how much fun we were going to have doing
that together? I am so sad you won’t be there with me in the way I hoped,
but I know you see so much. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I feel you everywhere. I can’t wait to be with you
again and finally know how this all works.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I miss you, sweet girl. I really think I could sit
here all day talking to you. I feel when I am writing to you, that you
are just that much closer. Maybe with your hand on my heart and your head
on my shoulder? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I have so much to say. So much I wanted to tell you,
show you, teach you. I’m starting to see, though, that you are teaching
me. I see you showing me it’s going to be “okay” and that our story is
not done being told. I hear you whispering to me to stay strong for the
boys and for Daddy, and I really do feel you holding my hand when it continues
to all be “too much to bear”. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Please do not let go. I need to feel you in whichever
way I can. Please do not stop talking to me. I need to hear you in
whichever way possible. Please do not stop teaching me, and showing me
the way. I need to be led.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I love you little girl.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Love, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Momma<o:p></o:p></span></div>
skideep1212http://www.blogger.com/profile/07666850988992709613noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7490354701277487379.post-14006403066032679592013-03-10T15:24:00.001-07:002013-03-10T15:24:18.601-07:00Rock and Walk 2.0<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px; text-align: left;">Steven and I have decided to participate for the second year in a row in the Tears Foundation annual Rock and Walk. So many of you joined us in support and remembrance of Brynna last June, and we are calling on you again. Please consider joining us in walking for our sweet girl, and donating to a group that has proven monumental in our family's ongoing healing. Thank you.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px; text-align: left;"><br /></span>
<a href="http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/babybrynna/rockwalk" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px; text-align: left;">Click here to view our 2013 Rock and Walk page</a><br />
<br />
<br />
A FEW PICTURES FROM LAST YEAR'S WALK<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px; text-align: left;"><br /></span>skideep1212http://www.blogger.com/profile/07666850988992709613noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7490354701277487379.post-2973418193554405522013-02-21T09:51:00.000-08:002013-02-21T09:51:04.897-08:00Little Tears
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">February
21, 2013 9:11
a.m<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Losing
your daughter after just six days of having her is heartbreaking. Planning a funeral for a baby is
unimaginable. Living the rest of your
life feeling like a gigantic piece of your heart is forever lost is, at times,
more than you can handle. But this reality
does not end there. Nope. There’s more.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Like
when your loving, kind, compassionate, heartbroken seven year old son comes to
you before he goes to bed and asks if he can ask you a question. “Sure,” you say, “you can ask me anything. What’s on your mind?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">“Do
you think Brynna knew us?” he asks. “Do
you think she knew us, like that I am her brother and you and Dad are her
parents?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">You
take a moment, trying to figure out the best way to explain to this sweet boy,
what you feel in your own heart is true.
You ask him to close his eyes. He
does. You say, “I am talking to you now
and you can’t see me, but do you know who I am?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">“Yes,”
he says. “By the sound of your voice.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">“Right,”
you say. “Exactly. And when Brynna was
growing inside my tummy for 41 weeks, she heard all of us. She heard me, she heard Daddy, and she heard
all of her brothers. And then when she
was born, and even though she couldn’t open her eyes, she could still hear us,
and she knew when we were near her. Each
time we would talk to her or rub her back or hold her, her heart rate would go
a little bit faster and so would her breathing, like yours does when you’re
excited…so I believe very much that she knew who we were.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">“Oh,”
he says. Then his eyes well up with
un-spilled tears and he says, “I am just worried that dying hurts, and I really
don’t want to die, and I don’t want anyone else in our family to die. And there
is always a chance Mom, like when you leave and go to work each day, there is
always a chance that you might not come back.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Then
he cries.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">And
you fight with everything you’ve got left inside, to try to sum up the courage
and the knowledge and the wherewithal to answer this. Because you can’t tell this sweet boy that “nobody
else will ever die” and that “everything is going to be fine”. Not really.
Not honestly. Because he already
knows that life is not certain like that.
The blessing of naivety has been stripped away already, and he is only
seven.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">So
you say to him, “that is so much to be thinking about and that must be really
scary. I am so glad you came to me to
talk about this. Your Daddy and I have
the same fears and the same heartache and we are adults and it scares us, I can’t
imagine what it must be like for you.
You will always be taken care of, you will never, ever be left
alone. No matter what happens in this
life, your Dad and I will always make sure you are safe and loved.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">And
he says, “I just really miss her, and I know I will see her again some day. But
I really want to see her now. I want to
have a long, happy life with her here.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">And
your heart breaks all over again.
Literally, you can feel it crack in your chest. Because this is not right. It is not right that a seven year old boy has
to suffer like this. Miss his sister
like this. It is too much.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">But
all you can do is hug him close and offer that he can cuddle with her blanket
if he wants. He says, “yes please” and
then you continue to hold him while he cries.
And you tell him it’s okay to cry, it’s going to feel better to get it
out…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">He
asks if he can sleep in your bed with you and you say, “of course.” You tell him that sometimes listening to
music helps you go to sleep and he says he, “would like to try that, and, do
you have that song?” “You know, the one
that the little girl sang at the cemetery that time when we went to see Brynn’s
name etched in stone?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">“Angels
Among Us?” you ask. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">“Yes,
that one. Do you have that one Mom?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">You
do. So you call it up on your ipod, and
you push play, all the while calling out to your daughter, begging that she
comfort her brother somehow. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">As
the song begins, his face relaxes and his tears slow. His breathing evens out and his body becomes
less tense. Eventually, his eyes close
and you can tell he is drifting off to sleep.
You kiss him on the forehead and wish him sweet dreams, and as you turn
over to go to sleep, in a sleepy voice he says, “it’s okay Mom, Brynn just
touched me on my toes and said she loves me and I’ll see her again someday.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">And
your heart melts. And you smile through
your tears.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->skideep1212http://www.blogger.com/profile/07666850988992709613noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7490354701277487379.post-27630685561623117272013-02-08T15:21:00.001-08:002013-02-08T15:21:05.896-08:00Dear Steven
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<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">February
8, 2013 2:37
pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Dear
Steven,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
love you. I am so sorry this is our
reality. I am so sorry we are on this
earth without our beautiful little girl.
My heart broke the day she died, and then it broke all over again when I
watched your heart break as well.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">You
are an amazing man! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
won’t tell you, “You’re so strong, and I don’t have any idea how you’re doing
all this,” because I know you don’t have a choice. What’s the alternative right? We can’t just lay down forever. The boys need us…life needs us. But I will tell you, I will tell you over and
over again, that you are an amazing man!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">For
more than half my life now, you have been here with me. I have known you longer than I haven’t known
you. I have grown up with, and continue
to grow up, with you. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuWuzpBNUh2qJSUko79z-fCLzkcPmZFwI8yknkulTXz_ebpwsMbb5GpCZhk-UnV7Z1rOjabgmlVdEm7sz9osOiDQ3Mc5HQVTYF1jLbxGf9mn9WQu7K3X9O1Qly57fX0QmsDPwEjaBAmxM/s1600/scan0001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; display: inline !important; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuWuzpBNUh2qJSUko79z-fCLzkcPmZFwI8yknkulTXz_ebpwsMbb5GpCZhk-UnV7Z1rOjabgmlVdEm7sz9osOiDQ3Mc5HQVTYF1jLbxGf9mn9WQu7K3X9O1Qly57fX0QmsDPwEjaBAmxM/s320/scan0001.jpg" width="225" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoMyAMtycMqbhb62lYAz-xrgq797T1FK2HjaUiKlvTIn1VFxVf4dw2_IuQFu1aHv92zfRd6w7SriMX_lta3rMphTG4_ZbxHlzFxvA40QEZf04yHeRfJrSG6YoLdt34uLzvbFhBefvgRRM/s1600/scan0001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="display: inline !important; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoMyAMtycMqbhb62lYAz-xrgq797T1FK2HjaUiKlvTIn1VFxVf4dw2_IuQFu1aHv92zfRd6w7SriMX_lta3rMphTG4_ZbxHlzFxvA40QEZf04yHeRfJrSG6YoLdt34uLzvbFhBefvgRRM/s320/scan0001.jpg" width="208" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZ26sSbjdGqAucFSlx6lvPzMj_-omnzFcw4zMdBrV5y_eixVafG40ccPN-oe9BbvAE9GP6z2AJnblnj2NB78HzMK7Gq_lZ7Wy80uS8ZFdpj7qkiF8Gf00CDJt45Z9-OfbSZvQQqZxEbro/s1600/IMG_1219.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZ26sSbjdGqAucFSlx6lvPzMj_-omnzFcw4zMdBrV5y_eixVafG40ccPN-oe9BbvAE9GP6z2AJnblnj2NB78HzMK7Gq_lZ7Wy80uS8ZFdpj7qkiF8Gf00CDJt45Z9-OfbSZvQQqZxEbro/s320/IMG_1219.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; font-size: 11pt;">Our
road has not been smooth.</span><span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; font-size: 11pt;">It has been bumpy,
winding, and at times such as now, rather dark and unsure.</span><span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; font-size: 11pt;">But we have walked our road.</span><span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; font-size: 11pt;">And we are walking still.</span><span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; font-size: 11pt;">Together.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
love you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">When
Brynn was in the NICU and her future was uncertain, you told me to stop
fighting to get back to “what used to be,” and join you in the middle of the
pool. Remember that? You told me if I kept insisting on getting
back to “before,” I would die trying.
Instead, you said, we needed to hold onto each other and tread water in
the middle of the deep, dark pool, taking our time to rest and wait. And then,
only when WE were ready, we would begin to swim toward our future together,
whichever way that was.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Now,
somehow 15 ½ months out, we are swimming…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">This
has, without a doubt, been the most horrific thing either you or I have
experienced in our life. But I am so
sincerely thankful that you and I waited for each other in the pool, and
continue to swim together toward whatever comes next.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">You
are an amazing man! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">You
are my best, most treasured friend and the most amazing father to our four
beautiful children. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
love you. I thank you. I need you.
I want you. I am proud of you. I am inspired by you. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
am so sorry we have a reason to be on this road, or in this pool, but I am so
very thankful to be with you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">You
are an amazing man.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Love,
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Me<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->skideep1212http://www.blogger.com/profile/07666850988992709613noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7490354701277487379.post-6294795934181668452013-01-21T12:05:00.003-08:002013-01-21T12:05:57.818-08:00Don't Know Much
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<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">January
21, 2013 11:35
a.m<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">This
pain is awful. The hold that it takes on
your heart is terrifying. It threatens
to shred the person you were and leave you with only a shell of what used to
be. To the outside world, time passes,
and you appear whole. But you are broken
inside in a way you never knew was possible, seemingly beyond repair. And you work every moment of every day to try to reassemble the parts of you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">The
others carry on. Life is light for
them. Happy moments are just
that…happy. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">But
it seems now, that your moments will no longer be 100% happy. Maybe 50%.
Maybe on a “great day” 98%. But
either way, there is ALWAYS something missing.
Always something detracting from the honest to God, no holds barred
happiness….<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">She
is gone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Oh
my God, how unfair this all seems! Why
do we have to live a reality such as this?
Why do I have to wake up every day and remember that she is gone? Why does my heart have to break over and over
and over again, each and every day?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">What
did we do to deserve this?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Don’t
answer that. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
know that we did nothing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
know that we just got dealt a really, really shitty hand, and now it is our job
to survive it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">But
there are days when I don’t <i>want</i>
to survive it. It is such gruesome work
to wake up each day and walk through this life when one of your children is not
here to hold your hand and walk with you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
am not fighting the “healing” although I feel that is such an inappropriate
word. I am allowing myself to feel what
I feel in each passing moment and recognize that they’re all part of the
“process” (another silly word). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
do smile. I do laugh. I do have fun. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">But
I miss her while I am doing all of those.
Every time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">This
coming Saturday, she would have been 15 months.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">There
are so many things I would have discovered about her by now, had things been
different. I would know for sure by now
what color her eyes would be. I would
know how her cry sounded. How her laugh
sounded. What her smile looked
like. Whether or not she was a
thumb/finger sucker like her mom. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">And
it makes me mad because I am so sad that I only know what she looked like when
she was sleeping. I don’t know anything
else. I don’t know anything about my
daughter. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">That
is so hard to live with.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->skideep1212http://www.blogger.com/profile/07666850988992709613noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7490354701277487379.post-31814535254324008582013-01-21T11:23:00.002-08:002013-02-08T14:36:20.075-08:00You Are My Sunshine<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">January
21, 2013 10:58
a.m<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Dear
Brynna,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Oh
my goodness. I miss you so much
today. My heart is heavy and my eyes
have been spilling over with bitter tears.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
feel tired and I feel defeated. I feel
lost and I feel alone. I feel confused
and I feel shaken. Yet, on goes the
world…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">“I
woke up and I wished that I was dead, with an aching in my head.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
lay motionless in bed<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">The
thought of you and where you’ve gone, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">And
the world spins madly on…”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
wish I’d had another day, another hour, oh God, just another minute, with you
my sweet, sweet girl. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">“You
are my sunshine, my only sunshine,<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">You make me happy when skies are gray,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">You'll never know dear, how much I love you,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Please
don’t take my sunshine away.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">The
other night, dear, as I lay sleeping, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
dreamed I held you in my arms.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">When
I awoke, dear, I was mistaken,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">So
I hung my head, and I cried.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">It’s
so strange the connection I have to that song…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">When
I was a little girl and getting ready to enter preschool when summer ended, I
remember laying in bed with my mom in the morning and we were singing songs
together. We started singing “You Are My
Sunshine” and by the time we got to the last verse, I was crying. Little, four year old me, was crying and my
mom, your grandma, asked me why. I
remember telling her that I was so sad for the person that was dreaming of the
one they loved so much only to wake up and remember that that person wasn’t
there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">How
I could relate to that pain at four years old, I don’t know. Unless somehow, in some way, I knew already
that that would be my pain… someday. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">And then I grew up. And
then you came. And then you left. And then I dreamed of you. And then I woke up, and realized I was
mistaken. And I hung my head and I
cried.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
love you Brynna. I love you so very,
very much. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
just wanted to tell you that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Love,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Momma<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--EndFragment-->skideep1212http://www.blogger.com/profile/07666850988992709613noreply@blogger.com0