I want to take this opportunity to thank everyone that has been concerned w/ my recent status "updates" on Facebook. The other day when it read, "Laura is devastated..." so many of you wanted to let me know you were thinking of me and wondered if there was anything you could do to help. The problem was that I was in such a place that I didn't have the energy or even the wherewithal to explain it. I am so sorry for worrying any of you.
Most of you have heard me talk about the "'Cushman Group" of friends that I have grown up with. The "parent generation" which includes my own mom and dad, have all known each other and been friends since college. So for over thirty years. Subsequantly, there are "the kids" (my generation) that have grown up together and known each other since the day we were all born. Now, we have reached adulthood, many of us have married and also had children of our own. Our group has been growing "exponentially", all the while we have remained close and shared the milestones of our lives. Nearly every summer of my life, we have all gotten together and camped at my family's property on Lake Cushman. I mean real, honest to God camping. Tents, outdoor cooking, outhouses... The real deal. And we love it.
We have experienced the death of grandparents and aunts and uncles of the group ...and have all banded together to get through the hard times. Those times have been difficult and there have been many tears shed, but somehow they were "doable". I think those times were a little easier to handle because we had time to mentally prepare ourselves that it was coming. Our grandmas and grandpas have been older and have lived their lives, leaving their legacies to carry on.
We have all been okay and able to manage all that life has thrown our way, together....
But now life has thrown us the most difficult heartache yet. On Sunday night, David Warren (one of the men of my father's generation) passed away suddenly. I have been trying to explain it to people around me, but I think part of the problem is that the connection we all have within the group is not something that can be explained. The love that we all have for one another cannot be put into words because, honestly, the words have not been invented yet.....It's too big.
I am an extremely lucky girl because I have had not one wonderful father figure in my life, but four. David, Charlie, John, and my dad, Dennis have all shaped me and molded me into the person I am today. My life is so very much more intricate and enriched for having had these people in my life.
When we first got the word on Sunday night (my dad called me from California to tell me he had just gotten the call) I was stunned. It was not a reality that I had ever even considered.... To be without any of "my dad's" was the furthest thing from my imagination. And it hurt....man did it hurt. I really didn't think my physical body could contain it all. It was just too painful. I broke. Into a million tiny shattered pieces. I broke. And then I thought about Pam (David's wife) and their two sons, Damian and Matt, and I broke all over again for them and the pain they were in.
We all went to the hospital that night and helped hold each other upright. It was honestly, the most surreal experience I have ever lived through. And I remember thinking as we were all standing there together, "I wonder what the nurses and doctors are making of this group?" Are they wondering how we all fit together, because from the outside I imagine it would be pretty hard to define. So many people of so many ages, but all as close as family. Closer. So much closer.
That first night when we got home sometime in the early morning hours, I don't remember getting into bed and I certainly don't remember falling asleep. I just know that once I was asleep, it was just murky and black. I am normally someone that dreams all night long. But that night there was nothing. Just blackness. Except for one dream....
I dreamed that we were all together in a house and there was a sense of sadness but nobody really knew why. I remember realizing I had a voice mail on my phone so I went to check it, and it was David. I heard his voice as clear as anything say, "I love you Laura, I love all of you and always have. You will all be okay. I am so proud of each of you, and I will see you soon. I want you to have a happy birthday. I love you." In my dream, I got off the phone and told everybody, "it's okay, we don't have to be sad. David is okay. I just got a call from him. It was all a bad dream. He's okay."
Then I realized in my dream that my voicemail was an old one that I had forgotten to delete, and once again we were all sad realizing that he was gone....
But then I woke up....really woke up and sat up in bed in the dark and realized....it was not an old message. My 30th birthday is in two weeks. It hasn't happened yet and David said he wanted me to have a happy birthday. The message, his voice, the images were all so clear. Too clear to be just a dream.
I know David was "making the rounds" that night because I wasn't the only one that dreamt of him. There were a few of us, and each of us felt the same thing...that he wanted us to know he loved us and that everything was going to be okay.
His service is going to be Saturday, and we will all come together again. The Cushman group will be together again holding each other together...and somehow.....someday....I know we will be okay. We always have been, and we will continue to be because we are blessed with a love so great that words can't define it.
