Monday, March 26, 2012
3/26/2012 10:19 p.m
Today you turned 5 months old. It seems like a lifetime that we have been feeling the pain of missing you, but to imagine you here with us already 5 months old, seems like a blink of our eyes. You would be working on sitting up. You would be starting baby foods, and, if you are anything like your brothers, you would be smiling up a storm!
Tonight, Aidan had baseball practice so I brought Jack and Colton along with me and we joined Daddy and Aidan at the baseball field. It was a little scary going there because I knew I would be seeing people who hadn’t seen me since last spring when you were still in my belly.
It was hard, and I did have to fight back tears a few times, but we got through it and it was really nice to have been out in the fresh air watching your brothers having such a good time.
After practice, we went to Red Robin for dinner, and we toasted you with glasses of water and chocolate milkshakes. We talked about how if you were there with us, you’d be sitting in a high chair at the end of the table and probably gumming a French fry or two.
Your brothers and Daddy and I miss you so very much, baby girl. We love you and think about you every day.
I hope you are having fun in heaven doing all the things that angel babies do when they turn 5 months old.
I love you more than words can say. Happy birthday, sweet girl.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Truth be told, this has been one of the toughest days yet. Why? I am not sure. Maybe because we are fast approaching 5 months from the time Brynna was born, and I am still so very sad. I am not used to being a sad person. I am not used to crying more than I smile.
It is getting very very quiet in our house during the days now. People are calling less and less. I find myself getting angry that the outside world is “moving on”. My world is still at a dead stop, and so many others have gone back to “normal”. At least that’s what it feels like from my vantage point.
People say, “I thought about calling” or “I think about you guys every day.” Well, I am to the point where I feel like countering with, “if it was your birthday and your husband told you he “thought about wishing you a happy birthday,” would that be enough?” “If Christmas came and went and nobody called, but then told you later that “not a moment went by that they didn’t think about calling,” would that be enough?”
Because from where I sit, I am hearing a whole lot of quiet. A whole lot of silence. And the silence is deafening.
People say they are afraid that by saying something or by mentioning Brynn’s name, they might make my day worse. Here’s a newsflash people: you can’t make my day worse. I am living in a ‘day in and day out’ hell, ridden with the reality that I will not see my daughter again in this life. Nothing you can do or say can beat that.
In fact, it’s quite the contrary. By saying something to me, to Steven, to the boys, you are honoring the fact that Brynna DID exist. True, her time on this earth was short, but she DID exist. She lived for 6 days. And now she lives forever in our hearts. By saying something, by taking the awkward chance to give your feelings words, you are showing us she lives in your hearts too. Please don’t forget our sweet girl. We need to KNOW that you still love her. We need to HEAR that you still think about us. Otherwise, we hear silence, and that is enough to make a person crazy.
I know other people have their lives and their own crosses to bear. Maybe by calling and speaking to me, they feel like my burden and my pain will be too much and they cannot emotionally take it on. I am not asking others to take on my burden and my sorrow. It is mine. I know that. Instead, I am asking that people include me, include us, in their lives as well. Let us know what is going on in your worlds, let us know how your spouses and children are doing. Tell us something funny that happened to you the other day. And then, give us just a moment to share with you some of what is going on here. You don’t have to make it “all better” for us or “take away” what we are going through. If there were a way to accomplish that, you can bet Steven and I would have already done it. Just listen. For a moment. Be brave. For a moment. Be tender and open. For just a moment. Then, I will let you get back to your life. But at least then, I will feel like someone else has heard where I am, and maybe for just one more day, I won’t be lost and alone in all this sadness…
Sitting with Jack this afternoon on the couch, I asked him,
Me: “Jack, am I making your life hard by being so sad?”
J: “No, Mom. I know why you’re sad.”
Me: “Why am I sad, Jack?”
J: “Because you miss Baby Brynn, Mom. That’s why we’re all sad.”
Me: “So, you know the one reason I am sad…But do you know the 4 great big reasons I am happy?”
J: “No. Why?”
Me: “True, I am sad that we don’t have your sister. But, I am happy Jack for 4 very important reasons…I still have you and Daddy, and Cole and Aidan”
J: “Mmmm, yeah. But really you have 5 reasons to be happy, Mom. Me, Daddy, Cole, Aidan and “You”, Mom. You should be happy to have you. I am happy to have you, Mom.”
Me (crying): “Thanks, buddy. You are amazing.”
3/20/2012 2:13 p.m
Today has been a horribly rough day for me. Steven came home at around lunchtime to try to help, but ended up having to answer a lot of work calls on his cell phone while he was here. Needless to say, I didn’t feel all that supported and actually felt a lot more lost and alone. It seemed to me that even he, the one person who truly understands my sadness, was doing what everybody else around me seems to be doing….getting on with life as usual. I felt so lost and alone. A bit after he had gone back to work, I received the following email from him. I have also included the subsequent conversation that went on between us via email. I truly do love this man:
On Mar 20, 2012, at 1:14 PM, "Steven Finnegan" <firstname.lastname@example.org> wrote:
I love you. I am sorry that I was not there for you in the right way. You mean everything to me, and it hurts to see you so sad. I know you are frustrated with me and I only make it worse sometimes and I am sorry for that. I do understand your pain I have to live with it every day too. I am not handling it any better than you and I am not competing to see who is handling it better nor do I have any expectations of you and your feelings and where you are at. If I knew the way out of this I would have already done it. My pain runs very deep. I express my grief differently. I love you and I do not like to see you in pain. I will try and get off early today to come and spoon with you.
From: Laura Finnegan [mailto:email@example.com] Sent: Tuesday, March 20, 2012 1:41 PM To: Steven Finnegan Subject: Re: Hey
I know. I'm sorry too. I have just been feeling so lost and alone and sad since we got back from our trip. Thank you for your sweet note. I do love you more than words can explain. I'm not myself and it's really starting to get the better of me. I miss Brynna so very much, and just when I think my heart might start to heal, it breaks all over again. I'm sorry.
On Mar 20, 2012, at 1:54 PM, "Steven Finnegan" <firstname.lastname@example.org> wrote:
No explanation needed, I get it. I know that some days are going to be worse than others from here on out, worse than they were before because we now have something so very real and tragic to compare life too. I know that Brynna misses us just as much as we miss her. I wish I could bottle up the day you had at the park and the love and marriage game and give you those distraction pills for days like this. Time is a very funny thing it is not linear, I relive our tragic event in my head several times a day. I worry about the future and what our family will become. I ask every what if question there is. When I find myself lost, and wandering like you are, I look at today. Trying not to focus on what I lost or what I might find but what I have. I know it is cliché but it is very true. I know this will not make your pain go away.
From: Laura Finnegan <email@example.com> Date: March 20, 2012 2:10:49 PM PDT
To: Steven Finnegan <firstname.lastname@example.org> Subject: Re: Hey
You are amazing. I love you. Always.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
3/13/2012 1:33 p.m
Oh how much I’ve missed you. Daddy and I just got back on Sunday from our 7 day cruise with Matt and Rita, and while we had a wonderful time, I am so glad to be home where I can be “with you”. To be able to hear your wind chime gently blowing outside and to be able to go into your room to talk to you, brings me peace. It brings me sadness but it also brings me peace.
There was one night on the trip when I told Daddy I just had to stay in the room, and not go to dinner with everyone. I was missing you so much and my heart was aching to spend some quiet time, just remembering you. For many hours, I cried (sobbed), prayed, listened to music, slept and then woke and did it all again…over and over again.
There is something so very therapeutic about giving into the pain now. It reminds my soul how much I love you, and will always love you. There will never be a time in which I am disconnected from you. You are in everything I see, and everything I do.
One thing I realized while on the beach in St. Maarten is that it is sometimes harder to be in the happy moments, and see the beautiful things this world is made up of, because you are in all of those moments, you are in all of those beautiful things, and I miss you all the more…
I want to see your chubby little hand holding onto Daddy’s strong hand as you stand barefoot in the sand and jump over the waves. I want to hear your sing-song voice shrieking with excitement as you feel the water rush over your sandy feet. I want to be able to wrap you up in a warm, soft towel and dry your sunkissed face. Jackson gets freckles when his face meets the summer sun, would yours have too?
I see you in all the beautiful things, sweet girl. You are everywhere and I love you.
All the Beautiful Things
When the sun touches my skin and warms me through,
I feel you.
When the birds greet the day with their sweet song,
I hear you.
When a baby near me coos and smiles at her mother,
I see you.
When I pass a field of wild flowers blowing gently in the breeze,
I smell you.
When a tear touches my lip as I remember,
I taste you.
You, my sweet girl, are in all the beautiful things this world has to give.
You are in everything I do, everything I see.
My heart beats to the rhythm of your memory, always remembering.
When I wake up each morning and try to sum up the courage to go on, you are there.
You, Brynna, are all the beautiful things.
"She is in all of the beautiful things"