Silence is Not Necessarily Golden

Truth be told, this has been one of the toughest days yet.  Why? I am not sure.  Maybe because we are fast approaching 5 months from the time Brynna was born, and I am still so very sad.  I am not used to being a sad person.  I am not used to crying more than I smile. 

It is getting very very quiet in our house during the days now.  People are calling less and less.  I find myself getting angry that the outside world is “moving on”.  My world is still at a dead stop, and so many others have gone back to “normal”.  At least that’s what it feels like from my vantage point. 

People say, “I thought about calling” or “I think about you guys every day.”  Well, I am to the point where I feel like countering with, “if it was your birthday and your husband told you he “thought about wishing you a happy birthday,” would that be enough?”  “If Christmas came and went and nobody called, but then told you later that “not a moment went by that they didn’t think about calling,” would that be enough?” 

Because from where I sit, I am hearing a whole lot of quiet.  A whole lot of silence.  And the silence is deafening.

People say they are afraid that by saying something or by mentioning Brynn’s name, they might make my day worse.  Here’s a newsflash people: you can’t make my day worse.  I am living in a ‘day in and day out’ hell, ridden with the reality that I will not see my daughter again in this life.  Nothing you can do or say can beat that.

In fact, it’s quite the contrary.  By saying something to me, to Steven, to the boys, you are honoring the fact that Brynna DID exist.  True, her time on this earth was short, but she DID exist.  She lived for 6 days.  And now she lives forever in our hearts.  By saying something, by taking the awkward chance to give your feelings words, you are showing us she lives in your hearts too.  Please don’t forget our sweet girl. We need to KNOW that you still love her.  We need to HEAR that you still think about us.  Otherwise, we hear silence, and that is enough to make a person crazy.

I know other people have their lives and their own crosses to bear.  Maybe by calling and speaking to me, they feel like my burden and my pain will be too much and they cannot emotionally take it on.  I am not asking others to take on my burden and my sorrow.  It is mine. I know that.  Instead, I am asking that people include me, include us, in their lives as well.  Let us know what is going on in your worlds, let us know how your spouses and children are doing.  Tell us something funny that happened to you the other day.  And then, give us just a moment to share with you some of what is going on here.  You don’t have to make it “all better” for us or “take away” what we are going through.  If there were a way to accomplish that, you can bet Steven and I would have already done it.  Just listen.  For a moment.  Be brave.  For a moment.  Be tender and open.  For just a moment.  Then, I will let you get back to your life.  But at least then, I will feel like someone else has heard where I am, and maybe for just one more day, I won’t be lost and alone in all this sadness…

Sitting with Jack this afternoon on the couch, I asked him,

Me: “Jack, am I making your life hard by being so sad?”

J: “No, Mom.  I know why you’re sad.”

Me: “Why am I sad, Jack?”

J: “Because you miss Baby Brynn, Mom.  That’s why we’re all sad.”

Me: “So, you know the one reason I am sad…But do you know the 4 great big reasons    I am happy?”

J: “No.  Why?”

Me: “True, I am sad that we don’t have your sister.  But, I am happy Jack for 4 very important reasons…I still have you and Daddy, and Cole and Aidan”

J: “Mmmm, yeah.  But really you have 5 reasons to be happy, Mom.  Me, Daddy, Cole, Aidan and “You”, Mom.  You should be happy to have you.  I am happy to have you, Mom.”

Me (crying): “Thanks, buddy.  You are amazing.”