Monday, May 21, 2012

Always, all the're with me.

5/21/2012              9:51 a.m

Dear Brynna,

I just wanted to sit down for a bit and write to let you know I am thinking about you.  I love you and I miss you so very much.

I am not sure how to proceed with my life.  How do I go on and try to reclaim the whole person I once was, when I am broken and the pieces of my heart are so distantly scattered?

I am so confused by this pain and heartache.  I know I have so much to live for with your amazing brothers and loving Daddy.  I just don’t know how to be happy and okay with that being enough.

Since growing you inside of me for 40 weeks and then seeing your beautiful face, I can no longer feel complete and total contentment with “what we had before.”  Now that we had a taste of knowing you, anything less than that is not enough.

Don’t get me wrong, your brothers and your Daddy are the reasons I can still pull to a standing position each day.  Without them, I really would be without hope that I might “see” myself again some day.  I love Colton, Aidan, Jackson, and Daddy with all that I am. 

But this pain of not having you here with us is paralyzing and at many times, all consuming.

I love you.  I don’t want you to ever feel we have forgotten you or “gotten over, through or around” the pain of losing you.  You are our daughter.  Now and forever.  Always til the end of time.  And then one more day after that.

I love you, Brynn.  I carry you in my heart and in my mind in the times I am awake and also in my dreams.  You are everywhere, and I love you.


No comments: