You Are My Sunshine

January 21, 2013                                                                                          10:58 a.m

Dear Brynna,

Oh my goodness.  I miss you so much today.  My heart is heavy and my eyes have been spilling over with bitter tears.

I feel tired and I feel defeated.  I feel lost and I feel alone.  I feel confused and I feel shaken.  Yet, on goes the world…

“I woke up and I wished that I was dead, with an aching in my head.

I lay motionless in bed

The thought of you and where you’ve gone,

And the world spins madly on…”

I wish I’d had another day, another hour, oh God, just another minute, with you my sweet, sweet girl. 

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,
You make me happy when skies are gray,
You'll never know dear, how much I love you,

Please don’t take my sunshine away.

The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping,

I dreamed I held you in my arms.

When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken,

So I hung my head, and I cried.”

It’s so strange the connection I have to that song…

When I was a little girl and getting ready to enter preschool when summer ended, I remember laying in bed with my mom in the morning and we were singing songs together.  We started singing “You Are My Sunshine” and by the time we got to the last verse, I was crying.  Little, four year old me, was crying and my mom, your grandma, asked me why.  I remember telling her that I was so sad for the person that was dreaming of the one they loved so much only to wake up and remember that that person wasn’t there.

How I could relate to that pain at four years old, I don’t know.  Unless somehow, in some way, I knew already that that would be my pain… someday.

And then I grew up.  And then you came.  And then you left.  And then I dreamed of you.  And then I woke up, and realized I was mistaken.  And I hung my head and I cried.

I love you Brynna.  I love you so very, very much. 

I just wanted to tell you that.

Love,

Momma