Dear Steven

February 8, 2013                                                                                         2:37 pm

Dear Steven,

I love you.  I am so sorry this is our reality.  I am so sorry we are on this earth without our beautiful little girl.  My heart broke the day she died, and then it broke all over again when I watched your heart break as well.

You are an amazing man! 

I won’t tell you, “You’re so strong, and I don’t have any idea how you’re doing all this,” because I know you don’t have a choice.  What’s the alternative right?  We can’t just lay down forever.  The boys need us…life needs us.  But I will tell you, I will tell you over and over again, that you are an amazing man!

For more than half my life now, you have been here with me.  I have known you longer than I haven’t known you.  I have grown up with, and continue to grow up, with you. 

Our road has not been smooth.  It has been bumpy, winding, and at times such as now, rather dark and unsure.  But we have walked our road.  And we are walking still.  Together.

I love you.

When Brynn was in the NICU and her future was uncertain, you told me to stop fighting to get back to “what used to be,” and join you in the middle of the pool.  Remember that?  You told me if I kept insisting on getting back to “before,” I would die trying.  Instead, you said, we needed to hold onto each other and tread water in the middle of the deep, dark pool, taking our time to rest and wait. And then, only when WE were ready, we would begin to swim toward our future together, whichever way that was.

Now, somehow 15 ½ months out, we are swimming…

This has, without a doubt, been the most horrific thing either you or I have experienced in our life.  But I am so sincerely thankful that you and I waited for each other in the pool, and continue to swim together toward whatever comes next.

You are an amazing man! 

You are my best, most treasured friend and the most amazing father to our four beautiful children. 

I love you.  I thank you.  I need you.  I want you.  I am proud of you.  I am inspired by you. 

I am so sorry we have a reason to be on this road, or in this pool, but I am so very thankful to be with you.

You are an amazing man.

Love,

Me