It hurts...

12/29/2011              3:22 pm

Dear Brynna,

Hi baby girl.  I miss you so very much.  I think about you every moment of the day and can’t seem to wrap my heart around the fact that you are really not coming home.

Daddy and I are going on our first ever cruise in March and the trip is only eight weeks away so I ventured out with your brothers today to the gym.  I am trying to get my postpartum, post-op body in shape to put on a swimsuit in 2 months.  I ran and walked on the treadmill for about 40 minutes and did some weights, all the while listening to music on my ipod.  Quite a few times, a song would come on that brought my thoughts right back to you, and I had to fight off the tears.

At one point I was on the leg extension machine and “Brand New Day” by Joshua Radin came on.  I full on started crying and I am sure that the man on the machine across from me wondered what was up with the crazy lady doing leg exercises.  I am sure he probably thought, “she is only lifting 60 lbs, what’s the big deal?”  Oh well, this is the story of my life these days. 

I cry at the drop of a hat.  God, I miss you, baby girl!  What I would give to hold you and feel your beautiful soft skin again!  To rub your back.  To smell your sweet smell, and brush my cheek against your downy hair. 

Sometimes I just go into your room and sit and talk to you.  Do you hear me?  Do you know your momma’s voice?  I hope so.  There are so many things I wanted to tell you, to teach you, to show you.  I am sorry my body betrayed you.  I am sorry you were not brought into this world safely, and placed on your loving mommy’s chest.  I am so sorry.  People tell me not to feel guilty, that it’s not my fault, but that is really hard to accept.  I would have done anything to change it all.  If I could have reached inside and held everything together so that you would have had oxygen, I would have in an instant.  I wish I could trade places with you so that you would be given the opportunity to have a full, happy life.  I am sorry you are gone.  I am so, so sorry.  Please forgive me.

Your biggest brothers, Cole and Aidan say they see you often and talk to you.  I hope that is true.  You have three AMAZING brothers!  They all miss you so much too.  We all think about and talk about you.

Daddy is doing such an amazing job trying to keep things together for our family, but he is so sad too.  One of the things I regret the most is that you will not get to grow up feeling safe in the strong, loving arms of your Daddy.  He loves you more than words can say, and misses you more than he knew was possible. 

I love you, Brynna.  I love you so much.  Thank you for being my daughter.

Love,

Momma