Thursday, December 1, 2011

One Month Out

Yesterday was the one month marker since our baby girl died. Six days prior to that was the mark of what would have been her one month birthday. I am sometimes paralyzed with pain to know that for the rest of my life, when I recognize/acknowledge Brynna's birthday, I will only have 6 days until I will be faced with the anniversary of the day we held her in our arms while she took her first unintubated breaths which were also her last breaths here on earth.

 I miss her so much. There truly are not words to describe this. At times I really feel like I am going out of my mind. I am afraid. Afraid I will always feel this way. Some people on the outside and alot of the books talk about "giving it time" and "letting it fade". I really believe though, that it will hurt this much forever. I remember all the times people said, "over time you forget the pain of labor, the memories fade, that's why women are able to do it again time after time." Well, I am here to say, I have never forgotten the pain of any of my labors, and I did it again and again because I love our children and would do anything for them. So, if the pain of labor never fades, even despite a healthy outcome and a beautiful, healthy baby, how in the heck can one believe the pain of actually losing a child would fade over time? I guess I (we) are just going to have to continue to find a way to work through it, and find a place in our hearts to put it. 

We continue to feel so very loved and supported by so many friends and family and are thankful beyond measure to have you in our lives. Although, you may call, write or text, and we may not be in a place emotionally to answer right then, please know we love you. And please don't stop calling, writing and texting. Please don't stop inviting us to do things with you. One day I will be able to pick up the phone every time. One day I will not hesitate or have to really think about whether or not I am up for joining you for “coffee”. One day I will again just be able to say, "yes, I would love to." But not today. Today it hurts too much.

"One day at a time is all I can bear. If I can make it through this day, 
then I can look back tomorrow, and know that I am strong. 
Even in my weakness.
 And sometimes being weak, is the only way right now, 
that I can be, at all...."
-Joanne Cacciatore (author of "Dear Cheyanne")

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