Unmarked.

July 19, 2012                                              2:06 p.m

Dear Brynna,

I am going to work again today from 4 pm until we close at 9 pm.  I really do love being a nurse, but working in a pediatric urgent care setting sure is emotionally difficult sometimes.

I always miss you.  Always.  But somehow that missing you is made sharper and more painful when I see all these other moms and dads with their adorable baby girls.  I find myself wondering what I could have done to deserve losing you when it seems everyone around us gets to “keep” their children.

I should know better, I know this.  From the outside I appear normal to so very many people.  My pain is internal and I have nothing to externally illustrate my suffering.  Unless people know me and know our story, I am just another mother, nurse, wife.  The same logic applies then, to all those “other” people that I assume are so blissfully unaware and happy in their lives.  The probability is that at least some of them are suffering or have suffered pain similar to ours, but they, like us, carry the burden of their heart internally.

I wish there were a way we could mark ourselves.  So that people would know we were grieving the loss of you, our only sweet baby girl.  And also so that others, being forced to walk this terrible road would be able to see us, and us them, and we could band together more easily, to do this together.

There are so many times that this fate seems so lonely.  Unmarked.  Unnoticed.  At times, unsupported.  All the while, feeling the pain of a lonely, broken heart.

I love you, sweet girl.  I miss you more than words can say. 

Love,

Momma