Amazing Boys and Christmas Love

I just need to take a minute and talk about my amazing boys, and our trip to see Santa this afternoon.

Every year since Colton was born, I have gone to get the boys' pics with Santa. Even last year, as hard as it was, we got it done. 

This year, I have been dreading it more than last year. Last year, just weeks after Brynn's death, we were in a total fog. Robots just moving from one day to the next. This year, the fog has lifted slightly, and what remains is the permanence of our situation without Brynna.

I summed up the energy and courage today to just go, with the boys in hand, and brave the incredibly long line, knowing that if I didn't, next year I would really regret not having this year's picture in the lineup of the past nine years.

So we went.

And the line stretched all the way from Macy's (where you see Santa), down the mall to Sears. I think all together we waited close to 2 hours.

But I have the most amazing boys!

They sat, stood, and crouched quietly and patiently the entire time. I had thought ahead and did bring my ipad and old iphone that they took turns playing, but there were no fights and no whining. They did not wander or run off even once, and many other parents in line commented how well behaved they were.

They are amazing.

Before we left home, we had decided together that, in the picture, the boys would hold the pink frog that Steven had given me a while back, in honor of their sister.

So for nearly 2 hours, I carried a 7 lb 11 oz pink, stuffed frog in line, while all around me little girls danced and twirled in their Christmas dresses. Some very close to the age that Brynn would be.

Everything about this process is hard.

When we got up to the front of the line, Santa's assistant asked how many groupings we would be wanting for the pictures. I was trying (and failing) not to tear up and I said it would be the boys and they would be holding the frog for their sister that passed away.

I'm not sure when she got the message passed on down the "picture line", but the photographer took extra special care getting everyone, including Brynn's frog into place, and Santa was so very gentle and kind. While the boys talked to Santa and told him their wishes, the photographer put his hand on my shoulder.

I cried.

She is supposed to be here. She is supposed to be in the picture with her wonderful, compassionate brothers.

When the boys were done, they stood up from Santa's lap, and then Santa stood up too. He said to me, "I really want to give you a hug." Then he wrapped me up in the warmest, safest, sweetest hug I have had in a very long time. I felt like a little girl again, wrapped up in the magic of Christmas. He said in my ear, "I will be saying a very special prayer for you tonight. Please know your family, including your daughter are now in my heart." I told him, through my tears, how thankful I was for his tenderness and that her name is Brynna, and he said he would remember her this holiday season.

Then, he wiped his eyes and wished us a Merry Christmas.

When we went to pay for our pictures, the top of our invoice said, "On Steve." We did not have to pay a dime.

I don't know if Santa is going by "Steve" in his day to day life, or if maybe the photographer's name is Steve, but either way our "sweet, broken, trying so hard to heal" family was shown true Christmas love today.