Monday, December 17, 2012

The Tree.

December 17, 2012

Dear Brynna,
My sweet, sweet girl, how much we miss you!
Last night Daddy and the boys and I decorated the Christmas tree.  It took me quite a while to get all the lights on, doing as I learned from your Grandma Betty Ann, wrapping each branch and making every effort to hide the cords.  I think the tree ended up taking 12 or 13 strands of lights!  I had to send Daddy out twice to the store to buy more.  :o)
Your brothers waited patiently for the lights to be done so that they could help put the ornaments on.  When it was time, they did such a wonderful job.  Aidan unwrapped the little angel ornament we got last year to remember you, and took care to hang it near some lights, making sure it would sparkle.  Eventually, I came across the Sleeping Beauty ornament your Auntie Andrea got for you at Downtown Disney last May.  Aidan said, “Be sure to hang it high mom, because Brynna is really important.”  He loves you so very much.  All your brothers love you so very much.

I cried to myself a little.  I wanted so badly for you to be there with us, grabbing at the ornaments that we inadvertently hung too low.  But the truth is, we can hang the ornaments wherever we want, because you will not be grabbing at them.  This little truth breaks me.  It’s not supposed to be this way…
When all the ornaments were hung, we took a step back and admired our work. 
The tree is beautiful.

After it was done, the boys decided to take part in an impromptu dance party to Christmas music playing on the TV.  Daddy got some of it on camera, and we all had a good laugh.  They are so silly!
Such is our life.
One moment, there are tears, sadness, and longing and then, there right next to all of the heartache, comes happiness, silliness and spontaneity.
A constant state of bittersweet is my existence.  Joyful in being a mother to four beautiful children, but at the same time brokenhearted because one of them is not here with me.  Not in the way I would like, anyway.  Trying, to the best of my ability, to soak up the good that life has to offer and remain in the moment, but at the same time knowing life is not always good.  Knowing to my core that life is unpredictable and unfair and, at times, devastating. 
It is such a polarized, often very hard to reconcile, existence.  But, in rising each day, I face my new reality.  I acknowledge that my life will never be the same, and that is okay.  Because if it were the same, that would mean you would not have existed.  I am different for having had you Brynn.  I am more compassionate, aware, loving, and “in the moment” for having known you.  The loss of you has broken me in so many ways, but you my sweet girl, you are mending me.
I love you, Brynna.  More than you will ever know.  I love you so, so much. 


bonibabyjourney said...

The tree is absolutely beautiful! I feel like it shines so brightly with your love for her. You're right, our lives will never be the same, but we wouldn't want them to be like they were before, becaues that would mean they didn't exist. The pain of losing her is as great as the love you have for her. Hugs to you.

Julie said...

I love the decorations, it's beautiful. Love you guys

Molly said...

Your tree is beautiful! Aren't you so thankful life does have moments of laughter and fun in the midst of feeling like the world is ending? I'm glad to see you back with some updates. I thought of you and hope you made it through the holidays.