Just not sure.

June 5, 2013                                                                                                                                    11:00 a.m.

Dear Brynna,

I am so sad you are not here with us.  I know you are doing wonderful things that are much bigger than I can comprehend right now, but as your mom, I really, really miss you.

I wish I understood more.  I wish I had a way of really knowing that this is going to be okay.  I feel silly even writing that because “okay” seems such a small word.  How could it ever be “okay” to be a parent without a child?  I just wish I were more “zen” and could take more solace in the fact that you are busy working in this universe in a capacity my human mind can’t truly reconcile.

I miss you, Brynn. I really, really would have loved the opportunity to get to know you.  You were a whole person, with a very potentially wonderful, full life, ahead of you, and I would have loved to watch you grow.  I can’t help but feel confused and brokenhearted that a life as precious as yours, ended before it even got started.

I love you.

Do you get my notes?  Do you feel my heart?  Do you know how much your momma loves you?  I sometimes worry that because you are where you are, not limited by a human body or mind, you may not “remember” me.  I worry that you may not “know” me in the way I know you.  I don’t want you to be sad in the way I am sad, and I would never wish for you the longing I feel in my heart, but I’m just afraid that you might not know how much I continue to love you.

I am frustrated because I don’t have the right words.  I feel limited by language.  The way I feel and the way I long for you cannot be summed up on paper, and that is maddening when so much of how I heal is through writing.

It’s just a feeling.  A whole bodied, whole hearted, all-encompassing feeling. 

I miss you.  I just really, really miss you.

Love,

Momma