*following are the words I spoke at our baby girl's funeral*
Wow, here we
are. I just kept hoping as I went to bed
the past few nights that I would wake the next morning to find this whole thing
a horrible nightmare. A nightmare that I
would be able to put behind me, and move on from. Yet, here it is Saturday morning and here we
all are. No waking up from this one.
I am Laura
Finnegan. I am Steven’s wife, and mother
to Colton, Aidan, Jackson and Brynna.
Thank you all for coming today, and thank you so very much for every bit
of love and support you have shown to our family over the last few weeks. It means so much to have been held up by so
many.
I have known since
the time of Brynna’s passing, that I wanted to stand up here, as her proud and loving
mother, and say something on her behalf.
The problem is I haven’t known exactly what to say or how to put what
I’m feeling into words. To say this has
been the hardest experience of my life, of our life (Steven’s and mine), is
such an incredible understatement. I
have felt myself break, my heart shatter, so many times and have feared I will
not be able to be put back together. The
sadness is intense. The feelings of
hopelessness at times, seem to sneak in through the tiny cracks in the armor I
am trying so hard to keep on to protect myself.
But last night as
I was falling asleep, knowing it was the night before our daughter’s funeral, I
made a decision. I will not talk anymore
right now about the hopelessness or despair.
I will talk about all the joy Brynna, our baby girl, brought to our life
from the very moment we decided to have another baby.
Steven and I have
been together a long time, over half our lives actually. We have had disagreements and our share of
hard times, but when push comes to shove, we have always figured out a way to
compromise and find a middle ground. For
a long, long time, however, we could not agree on whether to have a fourth
child or not. Pretty much from the time
Jackson was one year old, I was ready for our #4, but Steven was hesitant. This was very difficult for both of us
because in regard to whether or not to bring a baby into this world, there is
no middle ground to be had. You either
do or don’t but either way somebody is compromising their position. Our discussions
went on for a long time and there were times that for the sake of our sanity,
the topic just had to be “tabled”.
Then one day, I
was laying on the couch reading, and Steven came and sat beside me. He asked me if we could talk for a
minute. I looked up into his smiling
eyes and he said, “I am ready. I want to
have another baby. I want a number
4.” That moment will always remain as
one of the happiest, purest, most memorable moments in my life. I was so happy.
When I was
actually pregnant, Steven knew before I did.
I had taken a few pregnancy tests but they had come back negative. One night he said he was going to the store
and when he came back he had a package of pregnancy tests in one hand and a
snickers blizzard from Dairy Queen in the other. When I asked him what the blizzard was for he
replied, “for congratulations or consolation, whichever”. His eyes were shining though because he was
extremely confident in his prediction and a snickers blizzard is what I have
craved in each of my prior pregnancies.
He was right. It was
positive. Again, I (we) were so happy.
From there on,
this pregnancy has been happiness. When
asked if we were “trying for a girl” we simply replied, we were so happy to be
having a fourth and growing our family by one.
It has been many, many years in the Finnegan line since a girl has been
born, so we were fully prepared for and embracing the idea of a fourth
boy. How blessed we considered ourselves
just to be having another baby, and over and over we said (and truly meant) “we
just want healthy”. We were so happy.
The day of our
ultrasound, the technician asked if we wanted to know the sex of our
child. Steven, who had previously been
holding firm to the ground of “let’s wait and be surprised at the hospital”
looked at me and said, “I mean I guess if you want to we can find out”. He was playing so coy, but I knew he was
excited to find out that day just like I was.
When the tech told us we were expecting a baby GIRL, Steven was up out
his seat like a shot, had his nose pressed to the monitor screen and was
insisting the tech show him exactly “how” she knew this. We were so happy.
In the weeks and
months that followed, everything we did to prepare for our #4 was done with
happiness. Coming up with her name
around the dinner table one night, the boys offering their input and
opinions. Surfing the internet for ideas
on the décor for her room. (Up until this point I have only been versed in
black, blue, mohawks and superheroes so jumping into this “girl thing” required
some research). Having people remind us
of all the things that would be “so different” in having a girl; the pink, the
hair bows, the love of all things Disney princess. Everything made us so happy. I will never forget one night when Steven and
I had been talking about all the new “girl” things we would be getting to
experience, he sat up in bed and looked at me, nothing but love in his eyes and
said, “I will get to walk her down the aisle”.
So very, very happy.
I was happy about
all the things to expect. I was happy to
be pregnant with a healthy baby girl. I was happy my three amazing boys were
going to get the opportunity to love and cherish a sister. I was so happy for my sweet husband to have a
daughter that would adore him. I was
also happy another female was coming into our life to “help even the playing
field”. Planning for and anticipating
the arrival of Brynna made us all so very happy.
It is true that
the details of my labor and Brynna’s birth are sad and traumatic. And the fact that our baby girl spent her six
days of life in the NICU, is not how I had “planned” it in my happy head. However, our happy moments did not end the
moment Brynn was born and not even in the moments surrounding or after her
death.
We are happy to
have seen our beautiful daughter. To have felt her soft skin, held her tiny
hands, smelled her sweet baby smell, and rubbed her back. We are happy she looked so much like her
brother Aidan (this made him happy too).
I am happy her oldest brother Colton got to read to his baby
sister. I am happy that Jackson got to
draw pictures to decorate Brynn’s room.
I am happy that Steven and I got to do “spa night” with baby Brynna,
massaging her arms and legs and making her, her first bow for her head. I am happy our daughter met her grandparents
and that they had the opportunity to meet her.
I am happy to know that when talked to by her momma, my baby girl’s heart
rate and respirations increased. I am
happy Brynn was able to be held in the strong and reassuring arms of her
daddy. I am happy that Steven and I are
both blessed by such compassionate and supportive places of work.
The support shown
to us by our bosses and coworkers is something I never could have
imagined. I am happy we got six days
with our daughter. I am happy for the
pictures that help cement her memory in our hearts. I am happy that on the afternoon before she
died, I got to hold Brynna skin to skin on my chest and it was a perfect moment
in time. I am happy we had such loving
and supportive medical care from our nurses and doctors. I am happy that my sweet husband, Steven and
I got to hold our baby girl, unencumbered by iv’s and breathing tubes, wrapped
in her soft pink blanket in the last moments of her life on this earth, and we
got to show her our love.
This path we are
walking is a dark, scary one. Sometimes
it feels lonely and hopeless, and we are not sure we will navigate our way
through it successfully. However, we are
going to commit to remembering all the happiness that planning for and bringing
Brynna into this world, brought to our hearts and we are going to keep walking
hand in hand. One day there will be
light. There will be more happiness.
