10/30/2011 6:57 a.m (Facebook entry written while in the
hospital)
Yesterday was a
hard day. Especially for me. I had many an "ugly cry" as I tried to
make sense of our crazy new reality.
First though, a medical update:
Brynn
did get taken off of the cooling cap and by a bit after noon, she was back to
normal body temp. I would love to report that she opened her eyes and began
moving a whole lot more, but this was not the case.
She did, however, begin
triggering many more respirations on her own and is currently being
"challenged" (weaned) from the ventilator. She also continues to have
stable blood gasses which indicate good oxygen exchange.
Her umbilical
arterial line was discontinued as well. It's one less thing poking out of her
and that makes us happy. :0)
Blood sugars remain stable as well, and bowel
tones are present (now we set our hopes on poop). ;0)
Emotionally:
Like I said before, it was a
very hard day for me. A definite low point in the process, I think. I am
realizing though, (through the help of my amazingly present husband) that in
order for us to "do this thing" I am going to have to let it all go.
Sounds so cliche, doesn't it? But it's the one truth. I cannot continue to hold
onto "how good our life was prior to all this", and "how are we
possibly going to fit this new life into the mold of the old one?" There
is no longer a "then", there is only "right now." This is
our life. We have a daughter in NICU, and she is more than likely going to have
some pretty significant needs.
Yesterday, this realization made me angry and
I was experiencing a level of sadness that was far more debilitating than
anything I've ever previously known. I cried so hard so many times yesterday. I
broke emotionally into tiny, shattered pieces and truly experienced what it is
to despair. I wanted on some very internal level to go to sleep and stay that
way. Sleep, up until this point, has been the only way I have escaped the
bitter reality of the current situation. But what is the end result of sleep?
Awakening.
Awakening to the same
reality that was there before the "escape". The same cold, hard
truths continued to face me. Our new life was requiring me to face the facts,
and the thought of doing so terrified me. I felt like in doing so, everything
we have worked so hard for, would be for naught.
As I sobbed and broke and
felt myself giving into the panic, Steven took me into his arms and said,
"join me in the middle of the pool". "Let go of the edge, stop
trying to get out, and come join me in the middle. We will tread water waiting
for the way to show itself and then we will swim together toward our new
life." When I told him I didn't think I could let go of "before"
he replied with, "you have to. In time Laura, if you don't, you will go
crazy trying to get out." He told me he would wait for me in "the
middle" and when I was ready, we would do this new thing together.
He is
so right. The longer I resist this, the more desperate I become.
So late last
night, I felt a change. I am going to join my love in the middle of the pool
and we are going to swim together toward whatever direction our hearts tell us
is right.
I've known for a long time that Steven is a wonderful man, but the
amount of love and admiration I have for him has grown exponentially as he
helps me see the possibility of being able to survive in this "new
life". Together. We are going to do this together. There is no other way.
People have been so kind with their feedback to the other updates, claiming
Brynna has the fight of her mother in her. What I want people to know as well
is that Brynn's father is one of the very main reasons her mother can stand up
and embrace this new life.
Please say a prayer for Steven. Send him wishes of
continued strength of heart and help him to know what an amazing part he plays
in our "new life".
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