Excuses...

6/15/2012                                                                        3:00 p.m

*NOTE: this blog is a part of a process.  And with the process of grief comes all kinds of emotion, including anger and hurt.  It's not all pretty and it's definitely not all "PC".  I write this for me, and I write this for anyone else currently traveling this awful road, in hopes that we can band together in our healing, knowing that everything we are feeling is what it is, in the moment it's being felt.  I am sorry if anyone is offended by the following post.  It is not meant to be personal.  This life just really is a hard one to endure sometimes....

Do you have any idea how badly I want to back out of this too?  Be able to back out of this life, of this circumstance? I would love nothing more than a simple “change of plans” or “something has come up” so that I could opt out of this reality and cease having to be a part of it.

What the hell, people? Have you thought a step further and considered that you are not the only one backing out??  Have you thought that perhaps there are many more like you with the same excuses? They come via email, they come via text, very rarely they come over the phone because in doing that, people have to be brave enough to hear my voice, hear my response. 

My voice unfortunately though, is the voice of a coward, insisting, “oh it’s okay, thanks so much for letting us know, thanks for thinking of us,” even though I want to cry.  Because to me it sounds like, you don’t have the guts to put up with for one hour, what my husband, my kids, and I have to put up with for all hours.  Everyday.

But they come.  The excuses, boy how they come.  “So sorry, we can’t be there today to support you in “x”, “y”, or “z”, but “Jenny” is sick, “Bobby” is tired, “Greg” has to work.”  “So sorry we can’t be there, but please know you are in our hearts.”

That may very well be, people.  We may very well be in your hearts, but guess what?  We are in our hearts too.  Trapped in our broken hearts, trying so hard every day to endure this broken life. 

“Please know there isn’t anything we wouldn’t do for you.”

There isn’t anything you wouldn’t do, huh?….except be here today like you said you would.

"Call if you ever need anything, if there's anything I can do to help..."

We've called.  Over and over again, we've called.  Where are you?  Why won't you say her name?

Am I jealous?

Damn right I am jealous!  So freakin’ jealous that I can’t tell myself, “Sorry, self.  I am not strong enough to handle this heartache today.  I need a break from the sadness, so if you’d kindly just put yourself on hold, I’d really appreciate it.”

Yeah, I’m jealous.  And I’m tired.  And I want so badly to have an excuse to get me out of this.