Wednesday, September 26, 2012
September 26, 2012
I love you. You are 11 months old today. I can’t believe how fast time is going by. Sometimes I worry that I am missing out on life because my heart misses you so very much. I don’t know how eleven months have already passed since you were born.
I still have such regrets about how things happened. I wish I could go back in time and refuse induction, refuse the meds they gave us. I wish I could go back in time and keep you safe.
I am so sorry I couldn’t keep you safe. I will always carry with me that I could not save you. I wrestle with guilt and feelings of ineptness because a mother is supposed to keep her children safe, and I feel at times I failed you.
People tell me, and I continue to tell myself, that how it happened is not my fault, it is just the nature of “tragedy”, but the mother in me wants and somehow needs to accept more responsibility. I guess if I can pin myself as the one to blame then I can reason that if I had just done my job as your mother none of this would have happened. And if I can blame myself then somehow it all feels more explainable. It doesn’t seem so nonsensical and heartbreakingly unfair…
Ridiculous logic, I know. But I miss you, and in missing you, my mind does crazy things.
I wish you were here with me right now. Cole and Aidan are at school and Jack and I are at home. Daddy is at work, but I have today off. I wish you were here, watching cartoons with Jack and me. What a different and wonderful life that would be.
I went into you room again yesterday, just to try to feel you a bit closer to me. I looked around at all the beautiful, girly things in the room and wondered what it would look like if it actually had a beautiful little girl living in it.
Next month will be your 1st birthday, and I am terrified. I don’t know how to do this. Celebrate a birthday for a child who is gone. I want to honor you and spoil you, but I don’t know the right way to do that when you’re where you are and we’re where we are. Please help me understand what to do. Please know that whatever we do, we know it will never be enough.
I miss you sweet girl.