3 Months Out

1/31/2012          10:14 a.m

My Dear Sweet Brynna,

You are three months old now.  If you were here with us, you would be smiling and working on rolling over.  We would do tummy time every day on your pink baby floor gym.  We would be preparing to start introducing you to baby foods probably next month.  Which would be your favorite?  Your brothers all loved their sweet potatoes.  Would you be the same?  What would you love, sweetheart?  God, I wish you were here so Daddy and I could find out.

Three months already.  I can’t believe it.  The thought of you being here and already being three months old seems impossible.  Then, on the other hand, the thought that we have been grieving your loss for three months seems like a lifetime.  Time is truly a messed up thing.  When life is happy, it flies, and when life is full of sorrow and pain, it slows to a crawl.

I went to Portland with Grandma last week to get my hair done.  The last time I had it done, I was pregnant with you and so excited.  At that time we didn’t know you were a girl yet, just that we were going to have a baby and we just prayed for “healthy” everyday.  Anyway, I couldn’t bring myself to go back to the lady that did my hair that time, because I didn’t want to have to explain everything to her, and end up spending an hour and a half crying in her chair.  So I went to Portland to Grandma’s lady.  She already knew everything that happened so there wasn’t any pressure to explain.  It was nice spending the day with Grandma.  She misses you so much too.  We talk about you and cry together.  She thinks about you every day and loves you so much.  We all do.

I miss you, little girl.  I miss you so, so much.  I look at your pictures all the time and I listen to your music.  I go into your room and hold your blanket and your nightgown.  It is the only way I feel closer to you.  I hang on for my life, sometimes. 

Are you there listening and watching all this?  Are you safe?  Do you feel how much we love you? I hope so.  They say one day we’ll see you again, and I hold tight to that possibility.  I hold tight to the idea that one day, I will be able to hold you and tell you all the things I am feeling right now.  All the ways I love you.  All the ways I need you.  I don’t have the right words.  There are no big enough, “right” enough words to explain my love for you.

This hurts so much.  Too much.  It hurts so much because we love you so much.  We miss you so much.  We think about you every moment.  You are always with us.  Always in our hearts.  I just wish you were in our arms instead.  There will not be a day for the rest of my life that I don’t think about you and miss you.  I love you Brynna.  I love you so much it hurts.

Love,

Momma