Piano

1/3/2012        10:04 a.m

Dear Brynna,

Daddy got me a piano for Christmas.  Not just any piano though.  It was Dorothy Hinton’s piano.  Dorothy was the Grandma of some of our closest family friends, John and Nancy Hinton and their kids Jane, Joe, and Andrew.  My brothers (your Uncle Conner and Uncle Trent) and I grew up with the Hinton kids and got to see and be loved by Dorothy for many years.  She was a wonderful woman and I loved her very much.  To have her piano in our house feels wonderful.

I have wanted to learn to play the piano for a long, long time and I think I am finally going to do it.  I have a program on the new computer that helps teach the basics and I think I will also end up taking lessons. 

Anyway, the piano guy is here tuning it right now and as he plays I keep tearing up.  The music makes me think of you. Would you have wanted to play?  You had long fingers like me.  I would have loved to have heard you as you got old enough to climb up on the bench, plunking away making “music”.  I can’t wait to learn to play and then I can sit down and play “your song”.  I’m not sure how it goes yet, but I know it’s in me somewhere waiting to come out. 

For the last couple days I have been really sad.  Down to my core sad and I can’t seem to shake it.  Maybe it’s because the 1^st was 2 months since the day you passed away.  Somehow these anniversaries really have a way of knocking the wind right out of me.  There are times I don’t feel I can get my head off the pillow, and if I manage to, then I just walk around in a daze, unable to commit myself to any one thing.

I don’t know which way is up, Brynna.  I miss you so much more than I know how to relay.  I feel incomplete and my arms ache with emptiness.  I long to hold you, to feed you, to bathe and dress you.  To take care of you.  To love you.

Why did it have to be this way? Why have we been denied our little girl?  I don’t know that I will survive this and be able to be “myself” again.  I feel changed.  I feel cheated.  I feel lost.  I feel sad.

I love you and I miss you.

Love,

Momma