Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Empty Arms

1/18/2012         10:53 a.m

How are we supposed to do this?  One day seems “okay” and the next I am brought to my knees feeling the pain of Brynna’s death like it was yesterday.  There is too much to process.  Way too much.

I go back and forth between sadness and anger to disbelief and despair.  When will this nightmare end?  Everyone says “never” and that is too much to handle.  Way too much.

I need my little girl in my arms.  I need to hold her, to touch her, to smell her, to love her.  I need my daughter.  This is way too much pain.  Too much emptiness.  Too much hurt.  Too much anguish.

I am not used to being a sad person.  With the exception of maybe one or two days, I have cried every day since the day Brynn was born.  There are too many tears.

I am scared because for the first time in my life, I have no idea whatsoever what I believe.  Everything I thought I knew about life has been shaken up and thrown onto the ground in a broken mess.  Why 41 weeks and 3 days of growing a perfect little girl to have this ending?  Why a ruptured uterus and emergency hysterectomy at 32 years old?  Why are good people like Steven and I denied the opportunity to raise our daughter and bear witness to the person she could have become?  There are too many questions.  There are no answers.   

Will I ever feel pure, unaltered joy again?  Will I ever stop being this robot of a person and feel something other than sadness again?  When?  I need a plan, I need some guidance.  I need God to get on his megaphone and say, “Laura, listen up, this is what you’re going to do and this is how you’re going to do it”.  I am lost and afraid.  I need my little girl.  I need Brynna.  Just one more time, I need to see her.   

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