Thursday, February 23, 2012

My Birthday is Coming...

My birthday is this coming Sunday.  Anyone who knows me knows that normally I count down the hours to my big day starting February 1st.  I am a HUGE proponent of celebrating the “birth month” rather than just the “birthday”. I’ve always said, “getting a year older beats the alternative”.  I’ve always welcomed my birthday with grace and excitement.

This year is different.

This Sunday when I turn 33 years old, the day will also mark when Brynn would have turned 4 months old.  4 months already….  How is that possible?  For just shy of 4 months we have been aching, crying, dying inside.  Longing to have our sweet daughter back in our arms.  How is it possible to have enough tears inside to fill up four months worth of time? I have proven it possible.  I have cried and cried.

This Sunday I know I will cry some more. 

I am having a very hard time welcoming this 33rd year of my life.  How do you go on for another year amongst the living when you feel such a large part of you is gone?  I feel altered.  Changed.  Different.

I used to look at life with a complete “glass half full” mentality.  In my life prior to Brynn I had already experienced a good amount of “perspective inducing” life events, and I thought I had a pretty good grasp on the “balance” of things.

This has rocked my world and caused me to question everything I thought I “knew.”  No longer can I accept the simplicity of the statement, “good things happen to good people”.  Being good is not enough.

Steven and I are good people.  We are good children to our parents.  We love and respect our siblings.  We are good parents, doing the best we can in each moment.  We are good workers, strong in our work ethic.  We are good together, balancing out and supporting one another, ensuring we are the best “us” we can be.  We are good friends to those around us… the list goes on.

Unfortunately, being good people wasn’t enough to spare us the pain of losing our baby girl.  Being good people wasn’t enough to save my uterus.  Being good just wasn’t enough.

There are many moments when this reality threatens to destroy every fiber of my being.  It seems overwhelming that you can go through this life doing what you believe to be the “right” thing, and still be called to answer to this degree of pain.

What is it then?  What is the point?  Why celebrate another year? 

I think it’s because of love.  Love and nothing else.

Why are we good people? Why are we good parents, siblings, children, workers?  Because we have love in our hearts.  We love our families and our friends, and because of love, we are called to do right by those around us.

I love my daughter.

I miss her.  I ache for her.  I yearn to hold her in my arms and rock her to sleep each night.  I long to see her smile and hear her voice.

I do all of this, feel all of this, because I love her.  My love is bigger than the distance between us right now, and it will last the test of time.

My birthday will be hard on Sunday, but I will do my best to remember that I miss Brynna this much because I love her this much.

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