Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Valentine's Thoughts

2/14/2012        10:23 pm

Dear Brynna,

Today is Valentine’s Day and I just wanted to take a quick second to let you know how much I love you.  I have been thinking about you all day today and, of course, wishing you were here. 

One of the very first outfits I bought you after finding out you were a girl, was an outfit that would have been perfect for today.  It was a cute onesie with cherries on the front and a scalloped collar with red stitching.  There are matching jeans with little cherries near the ankles, and a matching red button up sweater with little white hearts on it.  It was a perfect Valentine’s outfit and I thought so many times today, how darling it would be on you.

Daddy and I gave your brothers love notes and cards today letting them know how we feel about them, and I want to do the same for you.

I love you.  More than you will ever know.  Someday, when I get to heaven and get to wrap you up in my arms and kiss your sweet head, I am going to spend hours just telling you how much I love you.  “I love you to the moon and back…and then some more.”  I love you as much as a mother can love.

Everything we do from here until forever, we will think about you and where you fit in.  We miss you each day and think about you all the time.

I have been wrestling with something lately and I wanted to talk about it with you.  When everything went the way it did when you were born, I had to have surgery that now makes it impossible for us to have babies anymore.  We had gotten so excited about you coming to join our family and were pretty “hooked” on the idea of having a daughter and the boys having a sister.

Your brothers talk all the time about how they wish you were here so that they could take care of you and “teach you all kinds of important things.”  They are really sad that they didn’t get to love on you and help bring up their little sister.

So now, my sweetheart, your Daddy and I are thinking about trying to adopt a little girl.  We are wondering about bringing a baby that doesn’t have a mommy and daddy, into our home to be a part of our family.  To be your sister, and sister to Cole, Aidan and Jackson.  How do you feel about that? I sometimes worry that you might feel like we are trying to replace you, and that thought makes me cry.

I want you, Brynna.  I want you so badly in my arms, in your crib, in our home.  But I can’t have you right now because you are in heaven, hopefully having the most wonderful time. 

I do not want to bring a baby into this house in effort to replace you.  I want to bring a baby into this house so that we may remember you.  So that we may feel joy again, and remember all the good things about what it means to raise a baby.  I want to bring you and the boys a sister and when she gets older, I want to tell her that you, my sweet girl, are the reason our hearts found her.  I want to feel happy when I remember you, honey.  I want to love you forever and one day.  And I want to share that love, spread that love so that someday when we meet again, you can see that your life had such a great effect on our hearts that we just couldn’t let the sadness be the end.

I love you, Brynn.  Happy Valentine’s Day.


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