22 days and counting....

October 4, 2013                                                                                           1:30 p.m.

I don’t know how to explain my current state of mind…

I am trying.  I am failing.  I am confused.  I have moments of clarity.  I am sinking.  I am swimming.  I am broken.  I continue to heal.  I am sad.  I have moments of happiness.  The loneliness is scary.  I recognize the love and support of so many who continue to bear witness. I am a mother to living children.  I am a mother to an angel.  

Time passes.  Time stands still.

In 22 days, on October 26^th, Brynn will be 2 years old.

I am walking.  I am paralyzed with disbelief.

We are going to surprise the boys with an overnight trip to Great Wolf Lodge from the 25^th to the 26^th.  We are going to spend her birthday, as a family, playing in the water, and cruising down waterslides.  We will smile, we will laugh, and I am sure we will cry.  

Birthdays are supposed to be fun.  Sometimes birthdays are heartbreaking.

I find myself going along, continuing to rise each morning, greeting each day with some sense of willingness and participation.  But then, I have also become acutely aware, and more or less resigned to the fact, that the sadness and longing is always there, just a whisper away.

It’s something that I really think you have to be personally afflicted by, to truly understand.  To try to explain the dichotomy that exists in my heart to a person who is blessed to have all living children, often results in making me sound like a “depressed version of my former self.”

But that’s not it.

I am not depressed.

I am sad.

I am a mother walking through this life without her child, waiting for the day when I will see her again.

That is not to say I will live my life in a state of perpetual sadness and despair.  I will just have a piece of my heart and soul living in a perpetual state of longing.

And I am not afraid of this version of me.  I have no unrealistic expectation of someday returning to the “Laura that once was”.

I am Colton’s mom.

I am Aidan’s mom.

I am Jackson’s mom.

I am Brynna’s mom.

Each of our children are different, and they each require specific and individual love and attention.

I am overwhelmed.  I am learning.

I am seeing more and more each day that I am doing the best I can to be the best mom possible to all four of my children.  

To each of my three sons, and also to my daughter.