Friday, October 4, 2013

22 days and counting....

October 4, 2013                                                                                           1:30 p.m.

I don’t know how to explain my current state of mind…

I am trying.  I am failing.  I am confused.  I have moments of clarity.  I am sinking.  I am swimming.  I am broken.  I continue to heal.  I am sad.  I have moments of happiness.  The loneliness is scary.  I recognize the love and support of so many who continue to bear witness. I am a mother to living children.  I am a mother to an angel.  

Time passes.  Time stands still.

In 22 days, on October 26th, Brynn will be 2 years old.

I am walking.  I am paralyzed with disbelief.

We are going to surprise the boys with an overnight trip to Great Wolf Lodge from the 25th to the 26th.  We are going to spend her birthday, as a family, playing in the water, and cruising down waterslides.  We will smile, we will laugh, and I am sure we will cry.  

Birthdays are supposed to be fun.  Sometimes birthdays are heartbreaking.

I find myself going along, continuing to rise each morning, greeting each day with some sense of willingness and participation.  But then, I have also become acutely aware, and more or less resigned to the fact, that the sadness and longing is always there, just a whisper away.

It’s something that I really think you have to be personally afflicted by, to truly understand.  To try to explain the dichotomy that exists in my heart to a person who is blessed to have all living children, often results in making me sound like a “depressed version of my former self.”

But that’s not it.

I am not depressed.

I am sad.

I am a mother walking through this life without her child, waiting for the day when I will see her again.

That is not to say I will live my life in a state of perpetual sadness and despair.  I will just have a piece of my heart and soul living in a perpetual state of longing.

And I am not afraid of this version of me.  I have no unrealistic expectation of someday returning to the “Laura that once was”.

I am Colton’s mom.

I am Aidan’s mom.

I am Jackson’s mom.

I am Brynna’s mom.

Each of our children are different, and they each require specific and individual love and attention.

I am overwhelmed.  I am learning.

I am seeing more and more each day that I am doing the best I can to be the best mom possible to all four of my children.  

To each of my three sons, and also to my daughter.

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