Friday, October 25, 2013


Two years ago today was the last day our hearts were whole.

Two years ago today we still possessed a naivety many people aren’t even aware they have the blessing of possessing.  The naivety that the universe is fair, and that there is “purpose and balance” in everything.

Two years ago today our family was truly, undeniably happy.  We had our three amazing boys, and were expecting our sweet baby girl any day.

Two years ago today was the day before our lives stood still.

Tomorrow will be Brynna’s 2nd birthday. 

Tomorrow marks the anniversary of what should have been one the happiest days of our life, and instead, in the blink of an eye, became the scariest, most traumatic day in my time on this earth.

Two years ago today, Steven and I were advised to go to the hospital for a scheduled induction as a result of Brynna being 10 days overdue, and my amniotic fluid being low.

Many hours into the induction, and very early on the morning on the 26th, Brynna was delivered into this world via emergency c-section after my uterus ruptured. 

Before she was delivered, I experienced indescribable pain, and I felt my daughter struggling for life inside of me.  I felt her moving, flailing, fighting for her life as my body betrayed her, and she was denied her safety. 

There were no chimes playing in the hospital the minute she was delivered.  I was not able to look down and see her, nor reach out and be the first to hold her.  Instead, I remained in a deep, induced sleep while the surgeon worked to save my life.

Steven watched from the hallway as his one and only daughter, perfect in every way, was delivered limp and blue and seizing.  He watched as his world fell apart before his very eyes, and his soul struggled to make sense of it all.

There were no smiles.  There was no laughter.  There were no soft words spoken to a healthy, sleeping baby while family and friends gathered in the room to celebrate.

Two years ago today was the last day I had my daughter safe, inside me. 

Never in my life have I wished more for the opportunity to go back and do things differently.  What I would give to have her here…

Two years old tomorrow.  Our sweet baby girl would be two years old tomorrow, if only things had gone differently.  She would be the most loved little girl, with three older, adoring brothers, and a mom and dad that never dreamed they’d be blessed with a daughter.

If only things had gone differently.

1 comment:

Amy L. said...

Such a beautiful, beloved baby girl. Peace to you all...