Candles and Light

Dear Brynna,

In ten more days you will be two years old.  Already two years will have passed since that heartbreaking day when our lives went from expectant, to heartbroken.

I recognize that Daddy and I have made a lot of “progress” in our walk of grief, but we still have so very many moments that are just as raw and painful as that first day.

Last night I lit a candle for you, did you see it?  It was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  It was also your original due date.  How ironic is that?  Across the nation, grieving parents started a “wave of light” by lighting candles in memory of their angel baby beginning at 7 pm in their own time zone.  I lit your pink Glassybaby candle, and watched it burn until I fell asleep in hopes of dreaming of you.

Sometimes when I am lying in bed and trying to fall asleep, I try to focus my mind and open my awareness to feeling what you feel wherever it is that you are.  On more than one occasion, a light has come over me.  It only lasts for a split second (I think because the moment I feel it, my brain acknowledges it and snaps me right back into my own human reality), but it is the most peaceful, loving, calm, light.  My heart calms greatly in knowing this is what you feel all the time. 

I love you, Brynn.

So very, very much more than the distance between us right now.

Love,

Momma