We Survived...

Steven was so sweet in that he had family activities planned for my birthday that we did on Saturday, the 25^th instead of on my actual birthday, to help take the pressure off the 26^th.

We went bowling for the first time as a family and the boys had a lot of fun.  Then we went to see the movie, Arrietty, which was a Japanese inspired movie about miniature people that call themselves “borrowers” and live in the crawl spaces of other peoples’ houses.  I thought it was really weird and very slow moving but the boys seemed to like it.

We then went home and I made a family dinner.  The boys had given me a gift certificate to have my car detailed and Steven gave me a new stereo that is compatible with my iphone that will be installed in the car after we get back from our cruise in March.

Yesterday was really hard (just as I expected), but we got through it.  The boys and Steven held me up when I was not strong enough to stand on my own.

My Birthday is Coming...

My birthday is this coming Sunday.  Anyone who knows me knows that normally I count down the hours to my big day starting February 1^st.  I am a HUGE proponent of celebrating the “birth month” rather than just the “birthday”. I’ve always said, “getting a year older beats the alternative”.  I’ve always welcomed my birthday with grace and excitement.

This year is different.

This Sunday when I turn 33 years old, the day will also mark when Brynn would have turned 4 months old.  4 months already….  How is that possible?  For just shy of 4 months we have been aching, crying, dying inside.  Longing to have our sweet daughter back in our arms.  How is it possible to have enough tears inside to fill up four months worth of time? I have proven it possible.  I have cried and cried.

This Sunday I know I will cry some more. 

I am having a very hard time welcoming this 33^rd year of my life.  How do you go on for another year amongst the living when you feel such a large part of you is gone?  I feel altered.  Changed.  Different.

I used to look at life with a complete “glass half full” mentality.  In my life prior to Brynn I had already experienced a good amount of “perspective inducing” life events, and I thought I had a pretty good grasp on the “balance” of things.

This has rocked my world and caused me to question everything I thought I “knew.”  No longer can I accept the simplicity of the statement, “good things happen to good people”.  Being good is not enough.

Steven and I are good people.  We are good children to our parents.  We love and respect our siblings.  We are good parents, doing the best we can in each moment.  We are good workers, strong in our work ethic.  We are good together, balancing out and supporting one another, ensuring we are the best “us” we can be.  We are good friends to those around us… the list goes on.

Unfortunately, being good people wasn’t enough to spare us the pain of losing our baby girl.  Being good people wasn’t enough to save my uterus.  Being good just wasn’t enough.

There are many moments when this reality threatens to destroy every fiber of my being.  It seems overwhelming that you can go through this life doing what you believe to be the “right” thing, and still be called to answer to this degree of pain.

What is it then?  What is the point?  Why celebrate another year? 

I think it’s because of love.  Love and nothing else.

Why are we good people? Why are we good parents, siblings, children, workers?  Because we have love in our hearts.  We love our families and our friends, and because of love, we are called to do right by those around us.

I love my daughter.

I miss her.  I ache for her.  I yearn to hold her in my arms and rock her to sleep each night.  I long to see her smile and hear her voice.

I do all of this, feel all of this, because I love her.  My love is bigger than the distance between us right now, and it will last the test of time.

My birthday will be hard on Sunday, but I will do my best to remember that I miss Brynna this much because I love her this much.

Thinking of you...

2/23/2012           9:55 a.m.

Dear Brynna,

I just wanted to write and tell you how much I love you and miss you.  So much.  So very, very much.

Love,

Momma

Valentine's Thoughts

2/14/2012        10:23 pm

Dear Brynna,

Today is Valentine’s Day and I just wanted to take a quick second to let you know how much I love you.  I have been thinking about you all day today and, of course, wishing you were here. 

One of the very first outfits I bought you after finding out you were a girl, was an outfit that would have been perfect for today.  It was a cute onesie with cherries on the front and a scalloped collar with red stitching.  There are matching jeans with little cherries near the ankles, and a matching red button up sweater with little white hearts on it.  It was a perfect Valentine’s outfit and I thought so many times today, how darling it would be on you.

Daddy and I gave your brothers love notes and cards today letting them know how we feel about them, and I want to do the same for you.

I love you.  More than you will ever know.  Someday, when I get to heaven and get to wrap you up in my arms and kiss your sweet head, I am going to spend hours just telling you how much I love you.  “I love you to the moon and back…and then some more.”  I love you as much as a mother can love.

Everything we do from here until forever, we will think about you and where you fit in.  We miss you each day and think about you all the time.

I have been wrestling with something lately and I wanted to talk about it with you.  When everything went the way it did when you were born, I had to have surgery that now makes it impossible for us to have babies anymore.  We had gotten so excited about you coming to join our family and were pretty “hooked” on the idea of having a daughter and the boys having a sister.

Your brothers talk all the time about how they wish you were here so that they could take care of you and “teach you all kinds of important things.”  They are really sad that they didn’t get to love on you and help bring up their little sister.

So now, my sweetheart, your Daddy and I are thinking about trying to adopt a little girl.  We are wondering about bringing a baby that doesn’t have a mommy and daddy, into our home to be a part of our family.  To be your sister, and sister to Cole, Aidan and Jackson.  How do you feel about that? I sometimes worry that you might feel like we are trying to replace you, and that thought makes me cry.

I want you, Brynna.  I want you so badly in my arms, in your crib, in our home.  But I can’t have you right now because you are in heaven, hopefully having the most wonderful time. 

I do not want to bring a baby into this house in effort to replace you.  I want to bring a baby into this house so that we may remember you.  So that we may feel joy again, and remember all the good things about what it means to raise a baby.  I want to bring you and the boys a sister and when she gets older, I want to tell her that you, my sweet girl, are the reason our hearts found her.  I want to feel happy when I remember you, honey.  I want to love you forever and one day.  And I want to share that love, spread that love so that someday when we meet again, you can see that your life had such a great effect on our hearts that we just couldn’t let the sadness be the end.

I love you, Brynn.  Happy Valentine’s Day.

Love,

Momma

"It hurts this much because we love her this much.."

2/3/2012          3:03 p.m

Dear Brynna,

Hi baby girl.  I love you and I miss you.  I have thought about you lots today.  I have this new thing, kind of like a mantra, I am doing when I feel like I am on the verge of losing it.  I tell myself, “it hurts this much because we love her this much”.  The pain in my heart is the price I am paying for the love I have had for you since the moment we found out you were on the way.  So much attention.  So much hope.  So much love has gone into the thought of you, and planning for you.  At times I feel without purpose now that you are in heaven and not here with us, but then I remember that my purpose was (and always will be) to love you.  I can do that.  I will do that.  I am doing that.  I am hurting and crying and breaking each day because I love you.  Because I love you so much more than words can say.  So even though it feels like I might break beyond repair sometimes, I am going to continue to let the sadness come as it needs to, and I will rest in the truth that I love you. And that will have to be enough.

Love,

Momma