Truth be told,
this has been one of the toughest days yet.
Why? I am not sure. Maybe because
we are fast approaching 5 months from the time Brynna was born, and I am still
so very sad. I am not used to being a
sad person. I am not used to crying more
than I smile.
It is getting
very very quiet in our house during the days now. People are calling less and less. I find myself getting angry that the outside
world is “moving on”. My world is still
at a dead stop, and so many others have gone back to “normal”. At least that’s what it feels like from my
vantage point.
People say, “I
thought about calling” or “I think about you guys every day.” Well, I am to the point where I feel like
countering with, “if it was your birthday and your husband told you he “thought
about wishing you a happy birthday,” would that be enough?” “If Christmas came and went and nobody
called, but then told you later that “not a moment went by that they didn’t
think about calling,” would that be enough?”
Because from
where I sit, I am hearing a whole lot of quiet.
A whole lot of silence. And the
silence is deafening.
People say they
are afraid that by saying something or by mentioning Brynn’s name, they might
make my day worse. Here’s a newsflash
people: you can’t make my day worse. I
am living in a ‘day in and day out’ hell, ridden with the reality that I will
not see my daughter again in this life.
Nothing you can do or say can beat that.
In fact, it’s
quite the contrary. By saying something
to me, to Steven, to the boys, you are honoring the fact that Brynna DID
exist. True, her time on this earth was
short, but she DID exist. She lived for
6 days. And now she lives forever in our
hearts. By saying something, by taking
the awkward chance to give your feelings words, you are showing us she lives in
your hearts too. Please don’t forget our
sweet girl. We need to KNOW that you still love her. We need to HEAR that you still think about
us. Otherwise, we hear silence, and that
is enough to make a person crazy.
I know other
people have their lives and their own crosses to bear. Maybe by calling and speaking to me, they
feel like my burden and my pain will be too much and they cannot emotionally
take it on. I am not asking others to
take on my burden and my sorrow. It is
mine. I know that. Instead, I am asking
that people include me, include us, in their lives as well. Let us know what is going on in your worlds,
let us know how your spouses and children are doing. Tell us something funny that happened to you
the other day. And then, give us just a
moment to share with you some of what is going on here. You don’t have to make it “all better” for us
or “take away” what we are going through.
If there were a way to accomplish that, you can bet Steven and I would
have already done it. Just listen. For a moment.
Be brave. For a moment. Be tender and open. For just a moment. Then, I will let you get back to your
life. But at least then, I will feel
like someone else has heard where I am, and maybe for just one more day, I
won’t be lost and alone in all this sadness…
Sitting with
Jack this afternoon on the couch, I asked him,
Me: “Jack, am I
making your life hard by being so sad?”
J: “No,
Mom. I know why you’re sad.”
Me: “Why am I
sad, Jack?”
J: “Because you
miss Baby Brynn, Mom. That’s why we’re
all sad.”
Me: “So, you
know the one reason I am sad…But do you know the 4 great big reasons I am
happy?”
J: “No. Why?”
Me: “True, I am
sad that we don’t have your sister. But,
I am happy Jack for 4 very important reasons…I still have you and Daddy, and
Cole and Aidan”
J: “Mmmm,
yeah. But really you have 5 reasons to
be happy, Mom. Me, Daddy, Cole, Aidan
and “You”, Mom. You should be happy to
have you. I am happy to have you, Mom.”
Me (crying):
“Thanks, buddy. You are amazing.”
