Friday, October 26, 2012

A Note of Thanks.

(posted on facebook this morning in attempt to reach "the masses" and express our gratitude)

As most of you know, I have been taking a break from Facebook for the last several months. Sometimes it is just too hard to watch the lives of others move in a forward direction when you want so badly for yours to do the same.

It has been a "self preservation" thing. Unhooking from the rat race. Just giving myself permission to move on in our own time. Taking the time we need, at the pace we need, to heal.

But today is a day that I feel the need to go outside of myself just a little bit more and say thank you. To all of you. Those that I know, and those that I don't. To all of you who have held Brynna, the boys, Steven and me in your hearts over this past year...thank you so very much.

It has been a year. 

Already, 366 days (remember, it was a leap year?) have passed since our sweet baby girl was born. I'm really not sure what time means anymore...some moments stretch into hours, and yet somehow, in a blink, a year has passed.

Last night I was wakeful, a great multitude of emotions running through my head. Recognizing with each passing minute, the time was drawing closer and closer to Brynn's time of birth. I was wide awake at 3:30 a.m remembering that at that time last year, I was still happy. I was in the pain of labor, but I was still happy. 

As the minutes ticked by, I watched the flickering of Brynna's lit candle. 



As the clock hit 4:03, I acknowledged that was the moment our lives took a turn we never saw coming, never could have imagined. The moment that nothing would ever, ever be the same. 

And it hasn't. Been the same, I mean.

It has been horrible. It has been devastating. It has been exhausting. It has been a year of sorrow and unrest, and agonizing heartbreak.

At the same time, it has been hopeful. It has been loving. It has been heartwarming. So mixed up and sticky our lives are right now. The sadness always existing right alongside the light.

As I have written many times on my blog, losing a child sets a parent on a long, dark, winding road. The road stretches overwhelmingly on to the rest of your life. The road is one they call grief. There are moments of despair. There are moments when all hope seems lost. There are moments when your confidence in the world, and any possibility for good, is shattered.

And yet....

Here we sit, 366 days out from the day our world stopped turning.

And somehow, it's turning...

It's slow. But it is turning. Somehow.

That "somehow", I am learning, is because of hope and love. Hope that tomorrow will be kinder and a love and appreciation for our children, deeper than any love I've ever known.

That "somehow" is also, in large part, because of all of you. 

Those of you that have carried our broken hearts in your own. Those of you that have written, called, texted, stopped by. Those of you that have donated your time, your money, your hearts and joined us in walking in memory of our sweet girl. Those that have prayed, those that have lit a candle, those that have paused to watch a butterfly flutter by. To all of you that have taken time to remember our sweet Brynn. To all of you that continue to remember.

Thank you. So very sincerely, thank you.

Happy 1st Birthday, sweet Brynna. We miss you more than words can say and we love you greater than the distance between us right now. Always, we love you.

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