Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Just a Few Ways We Remember

Dear Brynna,

I remember you always but this month, especially, you are on my mind.

This is the month you were born, and this is the month we still had hope you would be with us.

This morning I sat down to read some of the things I have written to you and about you in this last nearly 12 months.  I hadn't read the words I spoke at your funeral in a very long time.  Reading them again, and remembering what it was like that day, of course brought me to tears again.

I talked about the sadness and sorrow of losing you, but I also spoke of all the happiness that surrounded our hearts from the moment you were merely a twinkle in Daddy's eye.  We anticipated your arrival from the word "go" and were irrevocably in love with you before ever laying eyes on you.

I spoke that day, of the things about and because of you that made us so happy, and I vowed to remember them in even the darkest, most sorrow filled days.

There have been so many dark, sorrow filled days...

Every day I wake to the reality that you are still not here with us, and will not be coming back.  Every day my heart aches to hold you in my arms and watch you grow and learn.  Every day I miss you.

But every day I also remember.  I remember how sweet you smelled.  I remember how soft your skin was.  I remember what it was like to watch you sleep.  I remember how much I love you.

We are not the only ones remembering.  There are so many people out there who remember you and pray for you and love you too.

I have been compiling a folder of photos called "Remembering Brynn".  Some of the pictures are shown below and are things that your brothers, Daddy or I have done or experienced, and some of them are pictures of things people have done for us while remembering you.

You live on in all of our hearts, sweet baby girl.

Always and forever I remember you.  Always and forever I love you.  Always and forever I am happy to have you as my daughter.

So many friends and family donated money and came out to walk at the Tears Rock and Walk earlier this year.  We walked in your name and also for all the other babies that have gone to heaven too soon.

At the six month mark, my sweet friend Sarah brought these bright daffodils by to let us know she remembers you always.  You are in so very many hearts, Brynn.

At your Uncle Conner's wedding, Cassie made a point of having these purple remembrance ribbons for anybody who wanted to wear one or attach it to their bouquet.  Uncle Conner and Auntie Cassie love you so much.

We have your nightgowns that you wore in your crib with your blanket.  All five of us go into your room very regularly to sit and remember you.  It is a very peaceful and beautiful place and it brings calm to my heart to be in it.

I typed an entire blog entry about the Story of the Red Balloon.  What an amazing thing to have experienced!  I still have the balloon in my room in a safe place and I look at it often and remember.

I also typed recently about the Tears Angel of Hope Memorial that Grandma and Grandpa donated money to, to have your name engraved alongside so many other angel babies.  Now, there is a permanent way for so many people (even those who walk by and don't know us personally) to connect with you and remember.

Your brothers remember you all the time.  They love you and miss you so very much.  They are wonderful big brothers and they are very careful with your memory.  They cherish their little sister.

Awww, the story of the Sand Baby.  I typed an entry about the amazing way your dad honored your memory in giving me this sweet pink frog, filled with just enough sand to weigh exactly what you did at birth.  7 lbs 11 oz.

Another sweet sentiment from my friend and neighbor, Sarah. One more way to say she remembers and is thinking of all of us all the time.

Your pink glass baby candle remains lit so very often.  Nearby is a Willow Tree sculpture of a momma holding her new baby (it's titled "Guardian") and I put next to it the Willow Tree "Angel of Hope."

Your ashes and some of our "Feely Hearts" that we each received while attending our Bridges support group.  We see this first thing, each time we come through the front door.

To say that the friends I have at work love you, is an understatement.  They remember you and speak of you each time I am at work.  One of my friends, Liz, lays down with her daughter every night and prays for Baby Brynna.  She was in Leavenworth recently and came upon this angel ornament and immediately knew it was a gift from you to us.  She gave it to me the other day at work and it brought tears to my eyes.  I am so lucky.

Years ago, I volunteered every summer at American Cancer Society's cancer camp, Camp Goodtimes.  My camp name was Racoon, and I have since had quite a soft spot in my heart for these little animals.  About a month ago, I was doing some shopping and came across this pajama.  I wrestled with myself with whether or not to buy it, but I knew if you were here with us it would be a "no-brainer" so I brought it home, and on nights when I am really missing you, I lay it over my pillow and cuddle your memory close.

This is the pair of socks you wore while you were in the NICU, and I often go to work with them in my pocket.  When I see another little girl who is the age you would be or if I'm dealing with a parent who is upset and acting without perspective, I hold onto them and remember you.  I always remember you.

This picture just shows that you are with us in all we do, always.  The Minnie Mouse is what I brought home for you when we were in Disneyland last May for Uncle Conner's wedding.  The bamboo necklace is something Daddy and I got while on our cruise with Matt and Rita.  We brought one home for all four of you kids.  And the Cougar flag is something Grandma and Grandpa Clancy brought home from the WSU game they went to recently.  They brought three other ones for each of the boys too.

When I got to work the other day, this was sitting on my desk. A sweet card and book from a dear coworker letting me know she is still thinking of us and remembering you always.

After you died, we received many plants in your memory.  This little pink hydrangea is growing so well and every time I walk to my car in the morning, I see it and I think of you.

Your Aunt Julie and Uncle Ray's good friends, Sam and Lorne, gave us this wind chime after you died as well.  It hangs right outside the front door, and we remember you every time it makes its beautiful sound.   There have been so many times that nothing else in the air is moving, but I hear the wind chime and it calms my aching heart because I know you are there somewhere, somehow.

Your brothers recently asked me if I would teach them how to sew (I will blog separately about the whole process soon) so Grandma Betty Ann and I got out our sewing machines last Wednesday, and sat down to teach them.  For a couple hours, they all worked very diligently on creating some cuddly, handmade pillows.

When the pillows were done, Aidan asked if I had some left over remnant fabric that he could use to learn to sew better by hand.  I happened to have some random pink fabric upstairs so I gave it to him thinking he would just practice a few straight stitches and then be done.

I was mistaken.  Instead, Aidan began to create a tiny pink outfit complete with a mask, shirt and pants.  He put a label on it and told me it is the Pink Ghost.  He made it for you for Halloween.

I was amazed.  I am amazed.

Amazed at all the love and energy that people pour into remembering our family each and every day.

We love you Brynna.  We all love you.  Your brothers, me, your Daddy, Grandmas and Grandpas, Aunts and Uncles, cousins, friends, coworkers, strangers....

We all love you.  And we all remember.



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