Friday, October 19, 2012

Dear Momma,

Dear Momma,
I know my birthday is coming up soon, and I know that makes you and Daddy and the boys sad.  But please don’t be sad.  I am not sad.  I am happy and light and have an understanding about things that one day will make so much more sense to you too.
I am sorry that I will not be there with you next Friday, but I am here with you.  I am.  I am here with you all the time.
It is me when you see the rainbows, it is me when the beautiful butterflies go fluttering by, and it is me when the “perfect” song comes on at the “perfect” moment.  It is me, Momma.  It is always me. 
I know you love me.  And I love you, too.  Just like you say, “forever and one day”, I love you.  I love you “bigger than the distance between us right now”.  I love you.
And I will see you again.  It is really hard to explain how this all works, but you and me and Daddy and the boys, and Grandma and Grandpa…everybody…we’ll all see each other again.
I am happy that the messages I am sending you are getting through and you guys are open to receiving them.  I will keep letting you know in whatever way I can, that I am with you.  All of you.  All the time.  Please let Grandpa know I am talking to him too, sometimes though it’s only in a whisper.
I love you, Momma.  I wish you could wrap me up in a big birthday hug next week because I know that would heal your aching, empty arms.  I really don’t want you to be hurting the way you are, but I know it’s only because you miss me so much and you don’t yet have the ability to see the meaning behind all of it.  I know you don’t want there to be “meaning” behind all of it, but there is more, Momma.  There is more meaning and one day, I promise, it really will all be okay.
Thank you for loving me.  Thank you for being able to carry the painful burden of losing me.  I know it is hard.  I know it is unfair.  I know you feel lost and very alone.
But, Mom, you are not alone.
Never are you alone. 
The bond that brought us together is too strong to be undone by my being here and your being there.  We are together.  Just in a different way.  And one day, you will hold me and smell me and see me smile and hear me laugh, and it will all be better.
Just like you say this past year has passed in a blink, when you get to where I am, you will see that the time you and Daddy were without me, was merely a blink too.  Because after this, we get forever.
I love you, Momma.  I love you as much as a daughter can love her Momma, and then even more after that.
Please remember I am with you in everything you do, and please try really hard to do the things you would have done if I were still there with you in the way you want me to be.  It is important that my brothers still be able to have fun in the way only kids can. 
I know you are afraid of Halloween because that is the day  I had to go, but Mom, they are still there with you.  I know you loved Halloween before, and I want you to love it again.  I am so happy Aidan heard me when I whispered in his ear to remind you that Halloween can just be another way to celebrate me, remembering the day of the dead.  My brothers and I talk all the time.  They are the best big brothers on the planet, and they love you and Daddy very much.  They want you guys to be happy too.
Being dead isn’t bad, Mom.  Truly.  It’s lighter and freer and more full of love than any words can describe.  It’s the ones who are left behind that hurt as a result of death, but once you’re on this side, you see.  You’ll see.
I am there with you when you cry, with my hand on your head.  I am there with you when you sleep, with my hand on your back.  I am there with you when you smile, with my hand on your heart. 
I love you, Mommy.


Lisa Sissons said...

This had me in tears. I genuinely think this is what our babies would tell us if they could. And death is harder on those left behind.

Sending you lots of love and gentleness as Brynn's birthday approaches.


White Family said...

I've been thinking of your family a lot this month. I'm still praying for all of you. *hugs*
~Jennifer White

Cindy Richeson said...

Wow Laura those are truely beautiful words.