I Used to Love Halloween

October 3, 2012                                                                                    9:36 a.m

Dear Brynna,

Well, no matter how much I willed this not to happen, October has still come.  I find myself resisting all things “fall” because if I really acknowledge that time is what it is, I have to also acknowledge that in a few short weeks (23 days) it will be your birthday.  A full year will have come and gone since you were born. 

October 31^st, Halloween, is going to be horribly hard this year.  Halloween was the day we got the results of your EEG and all of our hopes were shattered.  Late Halloween night was when we held you, and rocked you, and read to you, and kissed you until you took your last breaths and left this world.  Halloween was the day my heart broke.

I used to love Halloween.  I used to be the first one to decorate the outside of our house, the first to get the Halloween playlist ready to go to play creepy music to all the trick or treaters that came to our door, and the first one out on Halloween night, your brothers in tow, to get some serious trick or treating done.

Here’s a picture of my belly with you in it, painted like a pumpkin last year.  We were still so happy.  Can you see how big my smile is?  It’s because I knew you would be with us soon.

    

Your original due date was October 15^th, but I knew not to expect you anytime before the 25^th because the boys were all 10, 11, and 12 days late respectively.  I knew that we’d probably see you around the 28^th or so and I was so excited to have an itty bitty peanut at Halloween.  I looked for many weeks prior to October for something small enough and cute enough for you to wear on the 31^st.  Little did I know, it was never to be.

I miss you, baby girl.  I miss you deeper than the ocean and higher than the sky.  I know I have to rally this Halloween for your brothers because this is their life too, but it is so very hard to stand and smile when your heart is shattered.

October 31^st is going to be horribly hard this year.

And then, 6 days later, November 1^st will come…

We have been so consumed with this year of missing out on all of the “firsts” with you, that it hasn’t been until recently that I had another thought… after November 1^st, we have to do this all again.  It will be the start of another year without you.  And only the second year of all the years that are stretched out in front of us.

Daddy and I are trying hard to be strong and brave, but it is so difficult.  We are waking up every day and walking around with a huge piece of our heart missing.  And it hurts.  Oh, Brynn, how it hurts not to have you here with us.

I miss you sweet girl.  I love you and I miss you and I am sorry that it is this way.

Love,

Momma