Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Easter Activities on a Rainy Day With Three Amazing Boys

So the boys are on spring break and we are cooped up in our house because, you guessed it, it is raining outside....

Today I decided since we can't go outside, we'd spend a little time and get our "craft on", and make some Easter decorations together.  I think the project turned out really well, but most importantly it was just nice to have some good quality time spent doing something together with my sweet sons.

So often in the last 5 1/2 months, I have wondered if my sadness over losing their sister is going to ruin them for life.  I have been so afraid that the "fun loving, up for anything, spur of the moment mom" they have grown up with, was going to be permanently replaced by the "teary eyed, pajama wearing, turning in circles mom" that this grief has, at times, caused me to become.

I have worried that missing Brynna and walking our road of grief was monopolizing my time and sucking away my energy to love my living children in the way they are so used to being loved.  I have nightmares that the boys will remember this time in their life as "the year mom went crazy and never came back".

What I am realizing instead, however, is that somehow, by a Grace much larger than myself, Colton, Aidan and Jackson have become MORE loving, compassionate, emotionally connected boys.  By being honest with them about our heartache, and by not being afraid to cry in front of them, they have been witness to what it means to love somebody so much that it hurts.  And they are comfortable with it.  AMAZING!

It warms my heart to hear from their teachers that they mention their sweet sister in class.  It brings me to my knees that they confide in both Steven and I on a regular basis, that they see and talk to Brynna in their dreams, and that she tells them to "tell Momma and Daddy how much I love them."  Colton told me last week that Brynna came to him again in his sleep, but this time she looked like a "little girl" and had "dark brown hair, just like you Mom.  And she had a sweet voice and brown eyes.  And she said she is having fun in heaven."

I am moved beyond words when all three of them, Cole, Aidan and Jackson, come to me separately and express their pain and broken heart in having lost their sister before they had the opportunity to teach her all the things they wanted oh so badly to teach her.

On a lighter note, one day Jack said to me, "Mom, I wish Brynna were still alive because I would have taught her all kinds of things.....like how to walk..... and how to talk..... and how to milk a cow....."

I laughed out loud at this and asked, "Jack, do you know how to milk a cow?" to which he replied, "uhhhh, I think you just squeeze the pink stuff 'til you get the white stuff..."

See what you're missing, Brynn? You have some amazingly versatile and very knowledgeable brothers!

So, today, after working together to make our Easter garland, I was reminded again, that we are in this as a family.  Together we will make our way through (not over) this, and together we will have bigger, more loving hearts as a result of our darling Brynna Elizabeth.

Happy Easter, baby girl!  We are learning so much.


Cassie said...

I wonder if Brynna's butt crack would peek over the top of her jeans the way Colton's, Aidan's, and Jackson's ALWAYS do. I love the description from Cole about a "little girl" Brynn, and the milking a cow comment... Jack, and all of you guys, you are all too funny! And so sweet. And such a wonderful family. Happy crafting today, and happy Spring Break this week. The boys are lucky to have you. Love to all six of you Finns.
-Auntie Cassie

Anonymous said...

Love this last post. Now I know how to milk a cow. Sorry will not see your post on fb but will be watching here. Love you.
Deb Hartman

Anonymous said...

Love this post. Brings tears and smiles to read about how they're coping too. I've often wondered how they are fairing through all of this, I just can't imagine. I LOVE that you have chosen to just be real with them and let them see you grieve. It is such a beautiful picture to your boys of how you love *them* so deeply, I hope they get see that connection...that even though Brynn was with you all for such a short time, you miss her as though she had always been there. It speaks so loudly of your love for your children Laura.....Thank you for being so transparent with your feelings and letting is in on your life!

Anonymous said...

I get such comfort from reading about you the boys "coping" with Brynna's passing - I have hope that my niece will be ok and know her baby brother! Thank you for so honestly sharing with us all... this blog has helped me be a little more intune with what you and my family are feeling! Thanks Laura!!
Love Allison