Wednesday, April 25, 2012

What can I say that hasn't already been said?

4/25/2012        9:10 a.m

Dear Brynna,

What can I say that I haven’t already said?  I feel the pain of missing you every morning when I wake up and every night when I go to sleep.  I also feel it much of the time in my dreams.  It’s a pain that never goes away.

Yet, try as I may, I can’t find the “exact right” words to put to it.  I feel like if I could just “say it right” than maybe just a little bit of the pain would subside.  If I could just “get it out” and “off my chest”, I could get a tiny bit of relief. 

But, there are no “exact right” words.  Nothing to describe “just how I’m feeling”.

I’m trying really hard, sweet girl.  I am.  I am trying really hard to be at least a little bit of the momma I would have been if you had been here with us.  But it’s hard.  It’s so hard.  I can’t get my heart to listen to what my mind is trying to tell it.

I don’t know how to do this.

I am not used to doing things without at least a little bit of an understanding of how to do it.  It is so hard to wake up each day and hurt right from the moment my eyes open.

This isn’t to say, I don’t get up and “go about my day” because I do.  I go about cleaning the house, doing the laundry, running errands and making meals.  I get together with friends and go to Little League baseball games.  But it all takes so much more concentration and will power.  It seems that the days of doing things on autopilot are gone.  I have to force myself to focus and get done what needs to get done.  Because my mind, especially when the boys are all at school, is on you.

What would you and I be doing while the boys were off learning?  Would you be joining me at the gym?  Would you be crawling around the family room while I folded endless piles of laundry?  (That’s another thing that makes me sad because I thought at this stage, there would be a lot more pink in those piles waiting to be folded).  Would we lay down together for a nap in my bed?

Tomorrow you will be (would have been) six months old.

Half a year.

Half a year has come and gone since the day you were born, and I am standing here reeling with that knowledge.  How did that happen?  How has that much time passed when I feel like time should be standing still?  Why doesn’t time stop when it feels like our hearts have?

I love you, Brynna.  I love you as much as a mother can love.  More, I think….

Your daddy and I were talking last night, and we both seem to be kind of in the same place right now.  Just really sad and frustrated that there was nothing we could have done to help you.  As parents, it is our job to keep our children safe and we were not able to do that for you.  We are both so sorry. 

I am so sorry, Brynna.

I would have gone to the ends of the earth and laid down my life to save yours.  I swear, I would have.  And Daddy would have done the same. In a second.  Just to give you a chance at this life.  It is so very hard as a parent to feel powerless like this.  We love you and your brothers more than life itself, and we just wanted more than anything, to keep you all safe.  But, we couldn’t and that makes us so sad.

Little girl, I need you to know, wherever you are, that you are still in my heart all the time.  Everyday, everywhere, all the time.

I will keep trying to move ahead, because I love you and the boys and Daddy.  I will try really hard not to beat myself up too much over “not being further down this grief road”, and I will just keep going to bed each night, and maybe one day I’ll wake up and feel like loving you doesn’t have to hurt so much.

I love you, Brynna.  Always, I love you.


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