Thursday, April 19, 2012

"Someday" is not Good Enough Today.

4/19/2012        8:46 a.m

Dear Brynna,

I miss you.  There really are no other words than that.  I miss you. 

The past several days my arms have been aching again with how empty they are.  I want so badly to hold you close to me.  I want so badly to feel your soft, baby skin and smell your sweet, baby smell.

I miss you.

The missing you never stops.  Ever.  It is heartbreaking.

Why did it have to happen this way?  How could it have happened this way?  How can a family that wanted a baby so deeply, be made to suffer this way?

I know in my heart that this is not the end.  I know we will see you again some day.  But today, “someday” is not good enough.  Today, I need to see you now.

I need to know what you would look like at nearly 6 months old.  I need to know what color your eyes are, and what your voice sounds like.  I need to see you smile.  I need to know that you are okay.  I need you to know how loved you are.

Two days ago was your brother Aidan’s birthday.  He turned 7!!  His birthday party is this Sunday and there stand to be a lot of people here.  On the night of his actual birthday, though, we had a family dinner just the five of us.  After dinner we had birthday cake.  When Aidan went to blow out his candles he said, “I wish the wishes you make when you blow out candles really came true, because I would wish only for Brynn to be back with us now.”

Me too. 

I’ve never wished, hoped, prayed for something more in my life.  I would give anything to trade places with you, and give you the chance to grow up in this wonderful family.

I miss you, sweet baby girl.  I love you too.  More than you will ever know.


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