This Juxtaposed Life....

Ours is a juxtaposed life.  And it's hard to live.

So sad about so very much loss.  But on the other hand, blessed with so much.

Three boys, that in my estimation, hang the moon, a husband I've had the privilege to grow up alongside, and a love for all of them deeper than any ocean.  Such blessing.

But right there, right there next to all of that "goodness," is indescribable sadness and sorrow.  The grief of losing our baby girl, our only girl, our sweet daughter Brynna.  What undefinable heartbreak.

How do I live this juxtaposed life?  Fitting two unlikely halves together in a feeble attempt to make my heart whole.  It doesn't really make sense.  This situation is nonsensical.

On any given day, it may be the sadness that has the wheel.  Taking us for a ride on the bumpy, dark, unforgiving, unrelenting road called grief.  The next day, we may have a respite and be able to focus our attention on our living children, our sweet boys, Colton, Aidan and Jackson.

And we have no choice, no say in the matter.  The days, the hours, the minutes, they are what they are. We cannot dictate or dissuade the sadness, it just comes.  We also cannot stop our hearts from yearning for happiness and growing with love.  So mixed up is our life.

So we just keep on, continuing to rise each morning attempting to make our way through each uncertain day.  Some nights we fall into bed and lay our weary heads down in prayer that "tomorrow will be kinder".  Other nights we go to sleep with just a sliver of reassurance because that day has proven "more doable" than the one before.

At times it's enough to make a person crazy, this juxtaposed life.

I hate not having her.  I love having them.  I am heartbroken.  My heart is healing.  I am sad.  I have moments of happiness.  I feel weak.  I am becoming stronger.  I cannot stand.  I am standing.  I can't do this.  I am doing this.

This is a crazy life.