Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Torn, but Hopeful.

I feel torn.  Never before have I had to talk myself into sitting down and writing.  Today is different.  I have known for about a week now that I have something brewing inside of me that needs to get out, but I have been putting it off and putting it off.

Here we are.  Today marks nine months since our baby girl died.  I don't really know what to say.  I don't really know what to do.  I feel torn.

Torn between the intense sadness of our life's situation, and the desire to be happy again.  How do I reconcile those two things?  I have never previously considered that a person would actually have to feel such conflicting emotion simultaneously.


I miss Brynna with all that I am.  To be forced to move through this world without your child is torture. Around every corner looms the possibility that you will be taken out at the knees with a memory or an experience.  Forced back to the starting line of your sorrow.

Going to the grocery store or the bank is no longer safe.  There are babies, and little girls and pregnant women everywhere.  My heart breaks to see the happy ones cuddling their daughters, and my heart also breaks when I hear mothers complaining about being pregnant or about something their daughter did or is currently putting them through.  How I wish I could switch places with these moms.  All of them.  I would so very happily take the good with the "bad".  I wish I had the luxury of butting heads with Brynna, or being "tired of being pregnant."

I am torn.  Do I attempt to walk back out into the land of the living or do I stay safe, wrapped up in my blanket of sorrow?  That's sounds weird, right?  To feel safest in the sadness?  But it's true.  This has been our life for nine months now.  I know how to be sad.  I know how to ride the waves of grief.  I know what I need in my saddest moments, to look at her pictures, sit in her room, rock my sand baby, sleep with her nightgown, cuddle the boys and Steven closer.  What I don't know is how to be a "happy" sad person.


I don't want the advice from outsiders.  I don't want platitudes or condolences or promises that it will "get better".  But I also don't want outsiders to disappear.  So torn.

I do feel myself, ever so slightly, emerging.  And that scares the living daylights out of me.  Does emerging from our cave of despair mean in time I will lose all perspective?  Does it mean I will lose even more of the slippery grip I have on the memory of our daughter?  I want to be happy but I am so protective of my sadness.  Protective of my grief.

I am torn.  About so very many things.  Work.  Relatives.  Friends.  Where I stand as a woman, a mother, a wife.  The list goes on...

But there is one thing that feels certain.

For seven months now, I have delved head first into educating myself and our family on adoption.  Many months ago, I wrote to Brynn and told her that her Daddy and I felt that might be where we end up, and I asked her if that would be okay.  I felt torn between cherishing the memory of our sweet daughter and seeking future happiness for our family.  Would it be "too soon"? Would we be trying to "replace" Brynna?  Would we be able to handle the hurdles that come with committing ourselves to something this huge?

What I recognize now, however, is that there is no reason to feel torn about this.  Because Brynna has us by the hands and she is leading us to her little sister.  I know this.  I feel this.  Because of our sweet baby girl, we will have another sweet baby girl.

Steven, the boys, and myself have decided to go forward with our plans for adoption.  We are currently saving the money it will take to bring our next daughter home.  Much of the money we had, has been used to pay medical bills, so the saving may take some time, but we are confident adoption is in our future.  I will sit down and write more about all of this another day, but for now please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we trust that the love we have for our cherished baby Brynna will lead us to her baby sister.

Today marks nine months.  I miss my daughter.  I feel torn and unsure about so very much in our life.  But one thing I know is true.  She touched our hearts in ways we have yet to discover, and she is going to lead us, one painful step at a time, into our future.  And it's going to be beautiful.


Colleen @ six said...

I just got on facebook to leave you a message and panicked because I couldn't find you and I didn't bookmark your blog and I have a new computer!!!!!! Thank goodness for google. I found you. Thinking of you today. You are always there, bouncing around my heart - and I try to pray for you guys as often as I think of you. Love this post. It is so encouraging to read! Thanks for continuing to share your raw emotions. You're a beautiful person Laura! Excited to see you move forward - she *will* be right there with you :)

love, Julie said...

Thank you for sharing all your feelings and even if you don't feel it, there are many people loving you and Steven and Colton, Aidan, Jack and Brynna and praying for you every day. I am happy that Brynna is leading you to her baby sister in time. She will never be forgotten and always be loved.

Julie said...

I never get my named signed correctly on this Love Julie was supposed to be at the end obviously.

Alissa Peppley said...

Thank you for sharing, Laura. Like we've said before, it's awful that we can relate to each other because of what happened, but it's so nice to have someone who understands the basics of such a loss. So much you wrote, I totally get. All the mix of feelings, wanting to have some of yourself back yet fearing you'll leave part of yourself... or her... in the past forever. It's all a mess. And the looking forward to another addition... yes, what a mix of excitement and healing, yet deep sadness and sometimes questioning. I'm sad for you and thrilled for you. Thrilled that you are opening your heart again. Another one to love... how beautiful and hopeful! God knows who she is and will orchestrate it for the best. Blessings & love & prayers... always.

White Family said...

I'm so happy to hear that your family is moving forward with adoption plans! I'm still praying for you and your sweet family. :)
Jennifer White