What to say? What to do?

August 26, 2012                                            9:37 p.m

Dear Brynna,

I don’t even know what to say. 

Today you should be with us turning 10 months old.  You should be super mobile, crawling all over and pulling yourself up to standing and then scooting around, smiling, holding onto couches and tables and everything else you can get your little hands on.

But you’re not.

And I don’t even know what to say.

What am I supposed to do with the knowledge that in just two short months, 60 days, your first birthday will be upon us?  I should be thinking about invitations and decorations, all things pink, and what flavor to make your cake.  I’m supposed to be figuring out the perfect outfit for you to turn 1 in, and Daddy and the boys and I should be shopping for your presents in the next several weeks.

But I’m not.

And I have no idea what to say.

I miss you.  All the time, whether awake or asleep.  I miss you as the sun goes up, and still more as the sun goes down again.  All day, every day.  All night, every night.

The pain of losing you, of not being allowed to love you the way were planning to love you, is too heavy.  It’s so much more than anyone should have to bear.

I don’t know how to do it, and I don’t want to do it anymore.

I want you to come back.

I want you to be here, doing all the things that you were supposed to be doing, making our lives busier and crazier… and better.  

I want a second chance to make this right.  I want to pick a different ending.  I want a “do- over”.  I want this pain and sadness and suffering to end, and I want to hold you and kiss you and love you the way a mother is supposed to be allowed to love her daughter.  I want you to grow up in front of my eyes, and not just in my heart.

I miss you, Brynn.  And I don’t know what to do.

Love,

Momma