The Power of Love

3/20/2012          2:13 p.m

Today has been a horribly rough day for me.  Steven came home at around lunchtime to try to help, but ended up having to answer a lot of work calls on his cell phone while he was here.  Needless to say, I didn’t feel all that supported and actually felt a lot more lost and alone.  It seemed to me that even he, the one person who truly understands my sadness, was doing what everybody else around me seems to be doing….getting on with life as usual.  I felt so lost and alone.  A bit after he had gone back to work, I received the following email from him.  I have also included the subsequent conversation that went on between us via email.  I truly do love this man:

On Mar 20, 2012, at 1:14 PM, "Steven Finnegan" <sfinnegan@betschartmech.com> wrote:

I love you.  I am sorry that I was not there for you in the right way.  You mean everything to me, and it hurts to see you so sad.  I know you are frustrated with me and I only make it worse sometimes and I am sorry for that.  I do understand your pain I have to live with it every day too.  I am not handling it any better than you and I am not competing to see who is handling it better nor do I have any expectations of you and your feelings and where you are at.  If I knew the way out of this I would have already done it.  My pain runs very deep.  I express my grief differently.  I love you and I do not like to see you in pain.  I will try and get off early today to come and spoon with you.

Me.

From: Laura Finnegan [mailto:skideep1212@yahoo.com] 
Sent: Tuesday, March 20, 2012 1:41 PM
 To: Steven Finnegan 
Subject: Re: Hey

I know. I'm sorry too. I have just been feeling so lost and alone and sad since we got back from our trip. Thank you for your sweet note. I do love you more than words can explain. I'm not myself and it's really starting to get the better of me. I miss Brynna so very much, and just when I think my heart might start to heal, it breaks all over again. I'm sorry. 

Me


On Mar 20, 2012, at 1:54 PM, "Steven Finnegan" <sfinnegan@betschartmech.com> wrote:

No explanation needed, I get it.  I know that some days are going to be worse than others from here on out, worse than they were before because we now have something so very real and tragic to compare life too.  I know that Brynna misses us just as much as we miss her.  I wish I could bottle up the day you had at the park and the love and marriage game and give you those distraction pills for days like this.  Time is a very funny thing it is not linear, I relive our tragic event in my head several times a day.  I worry about the future and what our family will become.  I ask every what if question there is.  When I find myself lost, and wandering like you are, I look at today.  Trying not to focus on what I lost or what I might find but what I have.  I know it is cliché but it is very true.  I know this will not make your pain go away. 

Steven.

From: Laura Finnegan <skideep1212@yahoo.com> Date: March 20, 2012 2:10:49 PM PDT

To: Steven Finnegan <sfinnegan@betschartmech.com> Subject: Re: Hey

You are amazing. I love you. Always. 

Laura.

All the Beautiful Things

3/13/2012         1:33 p.m

Dear Brynna,

Oh how much I’ve missed you.  Daddy and I just got back on Sunday from our 7 day cruise with Matt and Rita, and while we had a wonderful time, I am so glad to be home where I can be “with you”.  To be able to hear your wind chime gently blowing outside and to be able to go into your room to talk to you, brings me peace.  It brings me sadness but it also brings me peace.

There was one night on the trip when I told Daddy I just had to stay in the room, and not go to dinner with everyone.  I was missing you so much and my heart was aching to spend some quiet time, just remembering you.  For many hours, I cried (sobbed), prayed, listened to music, slept and then woke and did it all again…over and over again.

There is something so very therapeutic about giving into the pain now.  It reminds my soul how much I love you, and will always love you.  There will never be a time in which I am disconnected from you.  You are in everything I see, and everything I do.

One thing I realized while on the beach in St. Maarten is that it is sometimes harder to be in the happy moments, and see the beautiful things this world is made up of, because you are in all of those moments, you are in all of those beautiful things, and I miss you all the more…

I want to see your chubby little hand holding onto Daddy’s strong hand as you stand barefoot in the sand and jump over the waves.  I want to hear your sing-song voice shrieking with excitement as you feel the water rush over your sandy feet.  I want to be able to wrap you up in a warm, soft towel and dry your sunkissed face.  Jackson gets freckles when his face meets the summer sun, would yours have too?

I see you in all the beautiful things, sweet girl.  You are everywhere and I love you.

All the Beautiful Things

When the sun touches my skin and warms me through,

I feel you.

When the birds greet the day with their sweet song,

I hear you.

When a baby near me coos and smiles at her mother,

I see you.

When I pass a field of wild flowers blowing gently in the breeze,

I smell you.

When a tear touches my lip as I remember,

I taste you.

You, my sweet girl, are in all the beautiful things this world has to give.

You are in everything I do, everything I see. 

My heart beats to the rhythm of your memory, always remembering.

Forever loving.

When I wake up each morning and try to sum up the courage to go on, you are there. 

You, Brynna, are all the beautiful things.

Love,

Momma

"She is in all of the beautiful things"

We Survived...

Steven was so sweet in that he had family activities planned for my birthday that we did on Saturday, the 25^th instead of on my actual birthday, to help take the pressure off the 26^th.

We went bowling for the first time as a family and the boys had a lot of fun.  Then we went to see the movie, Arrietty, which was a Japanese inspired movie about miniature people that call themselves “borrowers” and live in the crawl spaces of other peoples’ houses.  I thought it was really weird and very slow moving but the boys seemed to like it.

We then went home and I made a family dinner.  The boys had given me a gift certificate to have my car detailed and Steven gave me a new stereo that is compatible with my iphone that will be installed in the car after we get back from our cruise in March.

Yesterday was really hard (just as I expected), but we got through it.  The boys and Steven held me up when I was not strong enough to stand on my own.

My Birthday is Coming...

My birthday is this coming Sunday.  Anyone who knows me knows that normally I count down the hours to my big day starting February 1^st.  I am a HUGE proponent of celebrating the “birth month” rather than just the “birthday”. I’ve always said, “getting a year older beats the alternative”.  I’ve always welcomed my birthday with grace and excitement.

This year is different.

This Sunday when I turn 33 years old, the day will also mark when Brynn would have turned 4 months old.  4 months already….  How is that possible?  For just shy of 4 months we have been aching, crying, dying inside.  Longing to have our sweet daughter back in our arms.  How is it possible to have enough tears inside to fill up four months worth of time? I have proven it possible.  I have cried and cried.

This Sunday I know I will cry some more. 

I am having a very hard time welcoming this 33^rd year of my life.  How do you go on for another year amongst the living when you feel such a large part of you is gone?  I feel altered.  Changed.  Different.

I used to look at life with a complete “glass half full” mentality.  In my life prior to Brynn I had already experienced a good amount of “perspective inducing” life events, and I thought I had a pretty good grasp on the “balance” of things.

This has rocked my world and caused me to question everything I thought I “knew.”  No longer can I accept the simplicity of the statement, “good things happen to good people”.  Being good is not enough.

Steven and I are good people.  We are good children to our parents.  We love and respect our siblings.  We are good parents, doing the best we can in each moment.  We are good workers, strong in our work ethic.  We are good together, balancing out and supporting one another, ensuring we are the best “us” we can be.  We are good friends to those around us… the list goes on.

Unfortunately, being good people wasn’t enough to spare us the pain of losing our baby girl.  Being good people wasn’t enough to save my uterus.  Being good just wasn’t enough.

There are many moments when this reality threatens to destroy every fiber of my being.  It seems overwhelming that you can go through this life doing what you believe to be the “right” thing, and still be called to answer to this degree of pain.

What is it then?  What is the point?  Why celebrate another year? 

I think it’s because of love.  Love and nothing else.

Why are we good people? Why are we good parents, siblings, children, workers?  Because we have love in our hearts.  We love our families and our friends, and because of love, we are called to do right by those around us.

I love my daughter.

I miss her.  I ache for her.  I yearn to hold her in my arms and rock her to sleep each night.  I long to see her smile and hear her voice.

I do all of this, feel all of this, because I love her.  My love is bigger than the distance between us right now, and it will last the test of time.

My birthday will be hard on Sunday, but I will do my best to remember that I miss Brynna this much because I love her this much.

Thinking of you...

2/23/2012           9:55 a.m.

Dear Brynna,

I just wanted to write and tell you how much I love you and miss you.  So much.  So very, very much.

Love,

Momma